I write this as I’m currently reaching for the box of tissues tucked nicely by my bedside. I’ve temporarily placed my trashcan by my bed for easy access of tissue disposal. The sea of crumbled, white, soft-lotioned paper next to my bed makes me look like I’m a thirteen-year-old boy who just discovered what happens when you type in “naked” on Google.
For reasons beyond me, I’ve been blessed--or cursed--with a fantastic memory. I remember distinct things like looking at a sticker book upside when I was two as I held my chocolate milk-bottle and then tossing it aside when it was time to go to bed. I also have been able to recall hundreds of names and drinks of customers during my time as a Starbucks barista. In fact, I can still remember Caitlin’s Venti hot chai, non-fat, no water latte or plump Peter’s Grande, extra hot, decaf, 5-pump sugar free hazelnut, non-fat, with no foam latte, particularly because he would get this three times a day.
So of course I also remember each time I’ve been sick, or the notable times at least, and as I stop to blow my nose, I also stop to recall these precious times.
1. The Netipot
Growing up in upper-middle-class suburban Maryland meant a lot of things. But for stay at home moms in the mid-2000’s this meant one very important thing: Doctor Oz.
Before getting his own show, he used to be Oprah’s go-to guy for all things medicine. If Doctor Oz said it, then it was 100% true and everyone should--and would--be following it.
I remember coming home one day from a play-date and my mom boasting about The Netipot. I believe one of the PTA moms swore by it and it was guaranteed to get all the snot--and junk--out of your nose when you’re sick and in turn, make you feel better. The PTA mom had recently bought it, per Oz’s recommendation and absolutely loved it.
My mom then went out to buy this magic nose kettle and prompted us all to try it out in her bathroom. Nothing says family bonding like snot running out of your nose one nostril at a time! As the first tester, my mom gawked at how easy it was and how better she felt. We watched as the green mucus fell out of her nose and thought how cool it was.
Next up to the nose kettle: Me.
My mom’s strict directions for this was simple--tilt your head and keep your mouth open. Seemed easy enough. Right? Right??
Wrong.
What they don’t tell you about The Netipot is the fact that it’s incredibly hard to not watch yourself as snot pours out of your nose. They also don’t tell you that even when you swear up and down you weren’t watching yourself, saline water still manages to drip in your mouth causing you to choke on a nice mixture of snot and saline water.
The Netipot would continue to mock me for a few years. Each time I was sick, I tried it and the result was the same time and time again.
Doctor Oz has failed me and this magic nose kettle was worthless--even though it worked great for my mom and dad.
Then in 2009 after suffering from another cold/sinus infection/allergy thing--my go-to illness--CVS’s Minute Clinic doctor, or whatever she is, recommended a sinus rinse. Immediately I told her about my bad experiences with The Netipot and she assured me this was not the dreaded nose kettle.
Instead, she pointed me to Dr. Neil’s Sinus Rinse. A similar contraption that doesn’t have you tilt your head. I couldn’t wait to test this sucker out. The contraption looks less like a nose kettle and more like a nose baster. It comes in a squirt bottle and you fill it up with hot water and the saline solutions and shake it up. There are measurement lines on the bottle to represent that you use one half for one nostril and the other half for the other nostril. All you do is squeeze the bottle in your nose over the sink and snot pours out!
I’m grateful for Dr. Neil’s rinse and I’m sorry I haven’t changed the bottle since 2009. I know it’s a health risk but $20 for the snot kit is kind of steep.
As for The Netipot; you suck and were too complicated for my life and I hope you rest comfortably in hell with saline nose spray and Robitussen.
2. The Thanksgiving From Hell
In 2001 I suffered from a stomach virus during Thanksgiving. I had just turned six and already saw my life flash before my eyes. In my opinion, the stomach virus is the worst kind of sickness there is. Throwing up sucks and for that reason, I never let myself drink to the point of throwing up.
What began as innocent puking, turned violent as days went on. It was finally Thanksgiving and I lay bedridden in my parent’s bedroom. The festivities went on as I sat watching TV in a dark room with the door closed. I had a mop bucket-- my designated puke bucket--next to the bed and I groaned and moaned with such vengeance.
My mom and dad begged me to eat a Popsicle to refrain from dehydration but it was too hard. My parents were getting visibly mad at my refusal--and inability--to keep things down.
Eventually, I began throwing up yellow stuff, which I later learned was bile. Now, for anybody who has thrown up bile: this stuff hurts and basically you puke it up when there’s literally nothing in your stomach.
After a few hours of this, I remember being picked up and carried to my mom’s green Ford Explorer as my dad rushed me to the hospital with my older sister in tow.The next thing I remember is being examined by a doctor who told my dad and sister that I was dehydrated and they needed to put fluids back in my body and blah, blah, blah.
I’m not sure what happened next, either they drugged me or I fell asleep as this was the middle of the night. Anyway, I woke up attached to a bunch of machines in a hospital room watching Anastasia. They gave me a grape Popsicle that I was able to keep down, though I preferred cherry, and they said I’d be out soon enough.
That was the end of that story and what was in my opinion, the worst Thanksgiving ever. Except for the first one when the Native Americans got booted.
3. The 72-Hour Cough
In 2007 I began coughing. It was Memorial Day Weekend and I was incredibly excited for my day off of school and to also attend a crab feast because that’s how Marylanders open a new season. Unfortunately, my post-nasal drip decided otherwise.
Post-nasal drip was a common phrase in my household when I was growing up. Basically, I would be fine all day but the second I’d go to lay down my nose would start dripping and it would go into my throat causing me to cough--something like that. Sometimes it would be triggered from laughing too much and other times it would just happen because allergies are the worst and ragweed and pollen are not my friends.
This specific bout occurred at night and the usual remedies of cough medicine and propped pillows were not doing the trick. I even tried doing the above mentioned Netipot to no avail.
After coughing for two days straight, I finally went to the doctor who diagnosed me with asthma brought on by allergies. This is important because I was so excited to have asthma.
I was the weird kid who wanted glasses and braces and yes, an inhaler. While I didn’t have glasses until years later, I had braces and finally an inhaler. I was so excited to dramatically whip out my inhaler at sleepovers or when I went to school--for aesthetic purposes, of course. I wanted the world to know I had asthma even if it was just brought on by allergies. Like I said, I was a weird kid.
After getting my inhaler and other medicine to help stop the long-lasting cough, it finally began to subside.
You know when you do a lot of crunches or sit-ups and your abs hurt the next day? Imagine that soreness magnified but with no visible results. You see, another side effect of coughing so damn much is a very sore abdomen--and no six-pack.
4. The Abroad Ailment
For whatever reason, I always get sick when I'm on vacation. Whether it's new germs I'm exposed to or just an overall weak immune something is TBD. Basically when all I want to do is be home in my own bed I usually am somewhere else.
For example, when I went to Israel I had a bad case of dehydration to the point of actually hallucinating whilst in the desert.
Another great example is when I was in Greece with a sinus infection. Have you been to a Greek pharmacy? The medicine boxes were all in Greek so the pharmacist who spoke little English had to try to help me out.
Like most people, I tend to want my mommy when I’m sick and I want all of her special sick person remedies like her fancy tea with alcohol.
In both instances, I was without my mother and had to be an adult about the whole thing. Unfortunately, I become a baby when I'm sick and tend to annoy everyone around me. We can call that hearsay, though.
For the most part I’m lucky that when I’m sick, I always get better after a few days. Currently, I dream of better days ahead when I can breathe without feeling congested and I can go back to eating dairy and spicy foods. But for now, tea it is. Gross.
