Author's Note: This article is satirical. I'm not actually an AirPods conspiracy theorist.

There are essentially only two types of college students these days: Those with AirPods, and those without. For anyone who lives under a rock and has no contact or connection with the outside world, AirPods are wireless headphones made by Apple that have now begun to manifest as a status symbol on college campuses.

Either you have them, or you don't, but if you don't, then you are pretty much a pathetic loser with very little worth as a human being. How do I know this? Well, because I personally do not have any AirPods, so I belong to this group of worthless misfits. Whenever I see someone wearing AirPods, I make sure to quickly bow down to them and worship them at their feet, knowing with full confidence that they are superior to me in every way imaginable.

I suppose I could buy a pair of AirPods and then move into this exclusive group of high society people, but then I would have to spend about $150 on headphones, which does not sound particularly appealing.

Some may have the idea of purchasing knock-off AirPods for around $30, but this is one of the worst things that a human being can do. Do they look pretty much the same? Yes. Are they way less expensive? Totally. Do they work just as well? Probably. But don't let this fool you. Trying to cheat the system in this way will permanently exclude you from the exclusive AirPods group. Any true AirPods owner can easily sniff out an AirPods impostor, and the culprit will forever be excluded from this totally exclusive group, even if they obtain actual AirPods down the line.

Don't make this mistake. It has happened to too many poor souls time and time again, and it will result in a horribly sad, lonely life.

AirPods: the ultimate college status symbol. If you still don't have them, what are you even doing with your life? This is the question I ask myself every day, and I still don't have the answer.

For now, AirPods are a seemingly harmless symbol of supposedly impressive status, but not for long. Those with AirPods and those without these seemingly essential items are becoming more and more distinct groups. Soon, those with AirPods will only talk to or communicate with those who also have them, and communication between those with and those without will likely no longer be allowed.

This is the future of college campuses in America, educational wastelands where students are not defined by their major or their GPA, but by whether or not they have wireless Apple headphones in their ears. Is this the beginning of the end of the world? Yes, I think it is. Logically, it's really the only thing that makes sense.

It may be time to pick a side because soon it just might be too late. The future will be defined by whether or not you own AirPods, so it may indeed be time to decide what side of history you want to be on. Of course, there have been rumors that the second generation of AirPods will soon be released, which will, therefore, create three distinct groups. There will be those without AirPods, those with AirPods, and soon, those with AirPods 2, which will dramatically change everything just discussed and more than likely reshape the entire course of human history.