THOSE EXAMS AREN'T SHIT NEXT TO YOU!

Let's be real, being a college-aged person is really fucking stressful. And it's nice to receive some sweet, flowery encouragement sometimes, and I think we all need that. But I also think sometimes people need to smack us and tell us the facts, real talk style. I don't always need the high pitched "it's going to be okay!", sometimes I need the "get your shit together, you'll be fine!".

So this post is your "get your shit together" call from me, your friendly neighborhood Junior. Hopefully, at least one of these is applicable to you and makes you laugh. So buckle your seat-belts, assholes, and enjoy while you wait for the sweet release of death (or, at least the end of finals week).

YOU CAN GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!

Stop complaining that you just can't get anything done. You have three exams and two final papers? Get cracking baby! You've got shit to do, and you can do all of that shit. Believe in yourself.

FUCK EVERYONE ELSE, YOUR MAJOR IS FUCKING AWESOME

Tired of everyone telling you your major won't get you a job? WELL TELL THEM TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES! YOUR MAJOR IS FOR YOU BITCH, NOBODY ELSE. YOU STUDIED ARISTOTLE'S GREATEST PHILOSOPHIES BECAUSE YOU FUCKING WANTED TO! YOU KICKED THE ASS OUT OF THAT SELF PORTRAIT BECAUSE IT'S YOUR PASSION AND YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE SHIT AT DRAWING, MOTHERFUCKER! IF ANYONE TELLS YOU OTHERWISE, KICK THEIR FACE IN SO THEY CAN'T GET A JOB EITHER!

YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE SHIT AT WHATEVER YOU ARE STUDYING

DON'T EVER SAY YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH AT WHAT YOU ARE STUDYING JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE MIGHT BE BETTER THAN YOU! SO WHAT YOUR PSYCHOLOGY EXPERIMENT DIDN'T TURN OUT WELL IN RESEARCH METHODS, OR YOUR PHOTOGRAPH DOESN'T LOOK "AS GOOD" AS SOMEONE ELSE'S, OR YOUR THESIS ON THE PATRIARCHAL FALL AND RESTRUCTURING IN SHAKESPEARE'S THE WINTER'S TALE WASN'T AS IMPRESSIVE AS SOMEONE'S RESEARCH PAPER ON THE WORD "PLAY" IN THE TEMPEST, IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL THE SHIT!

YOUR GRADES ARE NOT A REFLECTION OF YOUR VALUE OR INTELLIGENCE

Sometimes you'll get bad grades. But you're not a bad student. You're not a bad person. Shit happens, and grades drop, but it's okay baby, you're not stupid or going to be unsuccessful. I will scream this from the rooftops: YOUR VALUE AS A PERSON IS NOT TIED TO YOUR GRADES!

DID YOU STUDY TODAY?! GET A PARAGRAPH OR TWO IN FOR THAT ESSAY?! DID YOU DO ANYTHING ACADEMIC AT ALL TODAY?! CONGRATS BITCH!

Hell yeah, look at you, studying and shit. Going to class and shit. Killing it out there. You go Glen Coco, four for you.

YOU ARE GOING TO SLAY THOSE FINAL EXAMS/PROJECTS BABY

THOSE EXAMS AREN'T SHIT NEXT TO YOU! YOU'RE GONNA WALK IN THERE, AND YOU'RE GONNA CRUSH THOSE THINGS. YOU'RE GONNA FUCK THOSE EXAMS UP SO GOOD, YOUR PROFESSOR IS GONNA SHIT THEMSELVES GRADING IT. THEY'RE GONNA GET ON THEIR KNEES AND PRAISE OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST THAT YOU REGISTERED FOR THEIR CLASS AND BLESSED THEM WITH THAT KICK ASS FINAL PROJECT/EXAM.

TIRED =/= LAZY! SOMETIMES YOU NEED A FUCKING BREAK! AND THAT'S COOL!

College requires a lot of work. Life requires a lot of work. And sometimes that work gets a little overwhelming, and you need to SIT THE FUCK DOWN. Chill, take a nap, eat a snack, watch a Youtube video, but for the love of god, take a break. Maybe you're tired of all this shit and just wanna binge watch The Office for the 37th time this semester. Go ahead, DO IT. As long you get your shit done eventually, sit on your bed with a bag of popcorn and no pants and just chill the fuck out.

LIFE IS NOT A PISSING CONTEST ON HOW MUCH YOU ALL ARE SUFFERING! YOU ARE ALLOWED TO COMPLAIN!

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR SHIT! WHETHER ITS CLASS WORK, YOUR PROFESSOR, YOUR CAT (IDK), YOUR SHITTY "FRIEND", OR EVEN SOME WEIRDO IN THE ELEVATOR TODAY, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO COMPLAIN! WE ARE ALL STRUGGLING, STOP TRYING TO ONE UP YOUR FRIENDS SUFFERING, AND JUST ACKNOWLEDGE THAT LIFE GETS SHITTY SOMETIMES AND LET YOURSELF AND YOUR FRIENDS COMPLAIN TO YOU! AND THEY SHOULD DO THE SAME!

THIS IS ESPECIALLY TRUE ABOUT PEOPLE WITH MENTAL ILLNESSES! YOU DO NOT NEED A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO COMPLAIN! MAYBE YOU'RE JUST SAD TODAY, OR SOMEONE LOOKED AT YOU WEIRD AND IT MADE YOU ANXIOUS, I DON'T KNOW, WHATEVER IT IS DON'T INVALIDATE YOURSELF FOR FEELING SAD/ANXIOUS/WHATEVER YOUR ILLNESS CAUSES YOU TO FEEL!

STOP FAKING IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT

LISTEN, YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE BRAVE ALL THE TIME. OR STRONG. OR HAPPY. YOU ARE HUMAN, AND SOMETIMES WE MAKE MISTAKES, AND OUR SHIT IS JUST NOT TOGETHER. AS I SAID EARLIER, YOU CAN GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, BUT DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT NOT HAVING IT TOGETHER! YOU WILL GET ALL OF YOUR SHIT, AND IT WILL BE TOGETHER SOME DAY.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND AWESOME LIKE A MAJESTIC FUCKING LUMINESCENT OCTOPUS WHO CAN MIMIC OTHER ANIMALS AND USE TOOLS AND OTHER COOL SHIT! YOU ARE AS COOL AS A WATER SKIING LOBSTER!

Courtesy of my friend Amanda. I don't know, it just sounded good. YOU'RE A MAJESTIC BEAST YO!

YOU DESERVE THAT DEGREE, BITCH!

You gonna walk out of here with your degree, and make that money. You deserve those G's, b.

BONUS: NERVOUS ABOUT THE SUMMER BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A BEACH BODY? WELL YOU BETTER SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE YES YOU DO!

DO YOU HAVE A BODY? PUT THAT SHIT ON THE BEACH. BAM, BEACH BODY. IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER. SO STOP GIVING A FUCK AND GET THE FUCK ON THAT BEACH, YOU SEXY BELUGA WHALE LOOKING ASS YOU!