I nearly broke my boyfriend's heart… literally. I could've spared him that pain if I had only been honest with myself.
When I met him, I was coming off of a nasty breakup with a boy I was completely infatuated with. This boy was always on my mind, and just the thought of him gave me inexorable butterflies. But that ended as passionately as it had started. It wasn't pretty.
I met John — we'll call him John for the sake of his identity — a few months after that. He was everything my ex wasn't. He was romantic, attentive and he made me feel safe. After being with someone so reckless, it felt good to be at ease in a relationship. He didn't make me feel passionate and fiery, but he did make me feel comfortable and content. We had different values and goals, but I put that aside because he was such a kind person and wow, he really loved me. That's all I wanted — for someone to care about me. I told myself that, despite our differences, it was enough. But I knew it wasn't.
Why did I lie to myself for so long?
I wanted to believe it would work, but something nagged at me our entire relationship. A little voice in my head whispered, "John isn't right for you." But I pushed that whisper down further and further until it finally built up into a roar that refused to be ignored. Well, many months had gone by at this point and I knew I would be destroying the purest, kindest soul I have ever met.
I have never been in more pain than the day I told him I couldn't do it anymore. When rehearsing my breakup, I thought how bad can it be? It was worse than I ever could have imagined.
The stress triggered his heart complications. He passed out on the ground. I had to call the police. An ambulance came. I had to call his mom and tell her what happened.
He was OK minutes later, but those were the scariest moments of my life.
I tell this horrifying story so that you can learn from my mistakes. The longer you wait, the worse it'll be. If you know it's not right, there's no point in dragging it on any longer. Take it from me, it only worsens the pain.
It's OK to be scared of that breakup. Breakups are terrifying. But if something is telling you to do it, it's probably for a good reason. You may think you're sparing the other person by waiting, but you're actually doing the opposite.
They deserve someone who's all in, and you deserve to be with someone you're all in with.
Nobody wants to feel heartache or inflict pain on another person, but it's better than letting the fear of temporary hurt lead you into permanent unhappiness.
