Our upbringings often define a large part of our personalities. I grew up with three brothers. I loved them dearly, despite how deeply irritating they were. As the only daughter of the family, a fact I would not change for anything, the only opportunity for companionship I had was with my brothers. It is pretty obvious that the interests of young boys and young girls can be very different, especially when you are raised in a home deeply rooted in the gender binary. Anything “girly” was rejected by the majority of children in my household. I grew up hearing the word feminine as synonymous with stupid or weird or uncool or even weak. I became of ashamed of something I now enjoy so entirely, my femininity.
While I don’t necessarily believe that masculine things are exclusive to men, and feminine things are exclusive to women, I was mispresenting myself for a lot of my childhood and preteen years. Playing the part of the tomboy, I favored clothes that were slightly more unisex, t-shirts and pants that definitely did not fit. I pretended to hate anything cute and I acted like my interests lied far outside of anything the average girl might like. Heaven forbid I be typical, or even worse, womanly. I wanted to fit in with the boys for the sake of them maybe spending time with me. My brothers loved me, they adore me even now, though I am mean and moody and demanding. I sacrificed my genuine self and how I expressed that to secure love from people, love that I already had in excess.
For the beginning of my preteen years I pitted myself against the entire female population. It was easy to ridicule the habits of older women to get laughs from boys and make myself feel somehow superior to them. To me, the only way a girl could be funny, was if she made fun of other girls. Mocking women who wore makeup, accusing them of trying to impress other people and attract men under false pretenses. Questioning the ridiculousness of us going to the restroom together, or the length of our morning routines. Repeating things I heard male comedians say under the impression that women are a joke, and misogyny is the punchline.
As I have gotten older I have learned so many new things about myself and the people around me. I am now fully aware of the internalized misogyny that took place in my youth and work every day to recompense for it. Dressing in a more feminine fashion and wearing makeup are things I do for myself, like all other women do when they decide how they wish to present themselves. My gender is stronger when we are all working together to promote each other. To strengthen each other. There are plenty of things and people working against women to keep them in some state of inferiority and it is counterproductive to me to encourage rather than combat it. There is nothing shameful about being a woman. There is only shame in tearing them down.
