I’m afraid of getting hurt again, I’m afraid of someone tearing me apart like you did. I’m afraid of falling in love, only to find out it was my biggest mistake again. Again and again. I made mistakes with you, I gave you more of me than you’d ever give me, I trusted you. I put my walls down for you, slowly but surely, and you stepped in and bombed the place down.
(You’re never going to be enough. You’re a walking battlefield that no sane man would ever venture upon.)
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I’ve built new walls to fight this world dedicated to hurt at any cost. The only way to let someone in, again, is to lower these walls again and hope he doesn’t break my heart into tiny little pieces like you did. To hope he’s a better man with some respect for me unlike you ever were. To hope he’d never lay a hand on me, to hope I could live without fear of how he’d react.
(You’re worthless. You’re never going to find someone to love you again. You’ve lost anything that could’ve made you worth something.)
I care for this man, I know it’s early on and life’s going to throw things at us meant to destroy everything but shit I really care about him. I know he’ll make mistakes, and so will I. I know there will be nights we argue and I’ll go to sleep wishing I’d never let him in. But, I really think he’s one worth fighting for, one worth letting my guard down for.
(You’re damaged goods, who could ever want you?)
And then there’s the flip side of the coin, you’ve absolutely ruined any trust I have in anyone. And that takes recovering, something I’m nowhere near. So I fear, he’ll walk away, much like you did several times because I’m too much to deal with. And I wouldn’t blame him, much like I never blamed you. Because I might deserve more than someone walking out, but I also understand I’m this broken piece of shell that is still recovering.
(No one would ever wait for you to make yourself whole again, for you are and always will be broken.)
I didn’t think I’d ever feel for someone what I felt for you, years of love, and yet in mere weeks barely months I feel like I’ve fallen for this man more than I’d ever have loved you in a lifetime. He’s the one I see myself spending a lifetime with. And I hope he feels the same, if not I’d hope he has the decency to not break me apart into pieces before walking away.
(You’re never going to find someone as loving as I am, you said, as you bashed my head into a marble table and broke another part of me.)
I’m going to fall in love with you if I haven’t already.
You don’t have to love me back yet but I hope you will.
I’m going to give you my heart and all’s that comes with it and you can decide.
He might tear my heart apart again, but he could never do the damage you did. I’m afraid of getting hurt again, but he’s going to be the one to change that, the one I let in.
