I've been in love once in my nineteen years of living. I'm not talking about the "I would devote my entire love to you" kind of love, although that is the love that I'm afraid of experiencing. No, the love I experienced was a half-hearted love that was unrequited and more of an attraction than anything else. I spent weeks, no months, hoping that one day I might be able to call him mine, but instead I waited until it was too late and I would never see him again. Even though I enjoyed the butterflies I got when I saw him and how I would instantly become giggly, something in my heart still felt, well, wrong. It's what kept me from pursuing my crush, and it was fear.

So many people say that love is this fantastic feeling and life only gets better once you find it. However, I can't stand the thought of experiencing that emotion. Yeah, I want to be in love. I know it would be great, but I'm still terrified of the idea of actually being in love and here are some reasons why.

The love I'm talking about is the love that you would risk your life for. You would travel to the ends of the earth just to pursue it. I'm talking about how one day, I'm going to be with someone whose habits and their features I know more than I know myself. One day, my heart will be so invested in another person that I won't be able to hold back my smile when thinking of them, and we'll both be afraid of imagining life without the other. It's terrifying.

What about trust? If you already have trust issues, how are you supposed to suddenly give your entire trust to someone who's trying to take your heart? I guess if you love this person, then it won't be too hard to give your trust to them. It's more that I'm afraid to fall in love and give him my trust like I'm supposed to, only for me to just end up heartbroken in the end.

Giving away my love isn't the only reason for my fear, though. The worst feeling is unrequited love. I've had crushes that ended in me being devastated, and love is so much more powerful than a simple crush. It was already hard trying to get over a crush and trying to keep my face from turning red whenever the person came near proved difficult. What would falling in love and then having your heart wrenched out be like? I know I wouldn't want to experience that.

I know I shouldn't be afraid of love. I know that a love like the one I'm talking about is supposed to open our eyes to a whole new world and give us an experience like we've never known possible. I know that an eternal feeling of happiness is supposed to follow. I suppose love makes us do crazy things, so everything I'm afraid of now might just disappear from my mind. I just can't help feeling that it's going to end in a devastating heartbreak. Therefore, even though, I'm absolutely terrified of giving my heart away, I'll wait for the day in which this life-changing love engulfs me, and I can only move on from there.