If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone talk about being single and how good it is to “focus on growth," I would have a lot of nickels.
And I mean, a lot.
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It seems that in the past few years, people have been hardwired to think about relationships in a certain way. If someone is single, there are a few responses that appear almost scripted when it comes up in conversation. “You’ll find somebody one day;" “There’s someone out there for you;" “Take some time to focus on yourself” being a few popular lines.
But what I find funny is that no one ever says these things when it comes to losing friends.
People talk about backstabbers and drama queens, saying that “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind,” when you aren’t close to the same people you used to be.
There is no comfort, no encouragement for personal growth. I guess it doesn’t seem like such a big deal when companions come and go compared to romantic partners.
This way of thinking disturbs me.
When did romance become more important than a companion-type bond?
Why are people more broken up over break ups than losing simple friendship?
In 2016, many of my friendships disintegrated. People who I thought knew me better than anyone else turned their backs. And losing them took a much bigger toll on me than any of my ended romances.
In both situations, trust was lost. Intimate relationships ended. There was pain.
But what is commonly ignored, is that there was growth.
I’ve learned that in the past few months, I have very few close friends. Yes there are those I can call when extreme boredom sets in, but when it comes to confidantes, I have none.
However, I have taken advice that no one has given me in these situations; I am taking the chance to focus on me.
My summer months haven’t been “fun." I've spent very few nights enjoying myself with others, and thanks to utter exhaustion, I choose to stay on the couch instead of socialize.
Because of the lack of relationships, I have been able to focus on saving up money. I have two jobs, a full-time and part-time. The four-day weekend of the Fourth of July I worked 35 hours between the two.
My life consists of networking, customer service and budgeting. While others are soaking up sun and relaxing, I choose to put work first. If I remained close to the friends I had months ago, I know for a fact my life would be focused on something else entirely.
I am also a completely different person than I was a short time ago. My priorities, as well as my overall attitude, has shifted quite drastically. By becoming distanced from others, it is possible to see yourself in a brand new light. Your shortcomings as well as your assets become clear when you don’t try to change yourself for others.
It is said that if you want to learn who you are, you need to look at the 10 people you spend the most time with. When you spend little time with others, you start to see a reflection that isn’t blurred by the expectations of those around you.
I may not have gone through a dramatic breakup, but there are many who are no longer a part of my life. The advice so often given to the heartbroken can also be applied to the lonely, and I can attest to the fact that it is effective.
For those of you who feel alone, perhaps not for romantic reasons but for lack of a confidante, take a step back. Learn about yourself, and find something to focus on. Grow from your losses, and don’t be afraid to change.
