I'm gonna let you all in on a little secret...I'm actually a lot more homesick then I ever imagined I would be. In my journey of independence, I left behind my Utah: my mountains, my valleys painted with hues of red, orange and gold with the introduction of the crisp, fall air, my Sugarhouse Coffee, my Nicholas Weaver, my Kya Pace, the bluish green walls of the inside of my home, my three doggies, my family...and you, miss Devivic. Turns out, late nights on the sea wall are the ideal location for self reflection, and amongst my thoughts I have spent much focus on thinking back to my childhood, to growing up, all the happiness, all the hurt, and all the incredible memories that ultimately led me to this very moment. Aside from some good ole nostalgia, my mind kept wandering to this certain longing: to give every ounce of what I have learned in my years, from age nine, such as you are right now, to just a couple weeks from age 19. Though I may not be there physically, to tell you how to deal with all that awaits you, my hope is that you may find comfort, guidance and solace in my words.

Dearest Devivic,

One of the greatest gifts this world has given me I received on November 22nd, 2006, the birth of a beautiful baby girl, and I her big sister. I never knew it could be possible to feel so much love and so much fear simultaneously. There you were,so perfect and little, and suddenly I was instilled with every instinct to protect you from all the world may throw your way. While, I am fully aware that your growing up is inevitable, and much like your big sister, and your mother, and your grandmother, you will do exactly what you please, I have a few pieces of advice, to guide you through the next few years.

1) I know we aren't very religious as a family, but the commandment to honor your mother and father truly is something to abide by. More often than not, they know what they're talking about..I know, it seems crazy! But truly, if you have a problem, or are lost and confused, talk to them! And furthermore, spend as much time with them as you can, because while yes, they are going to be there and love you no matter what, these next few years will shape the relationship you are able to have with them as a young woman. Spoken from experience, our parents are pretty cool, and they're some of the best friends anyone could ask for.

2) No, there's nothing wrong with you, it's just the hormones. I remember being 11 years old, writing in my journal and feeling just so discouraged, I had no control over my emotions. One moment I was happy and pleasant, and the next I was a fiery ball of rage, picking fights with our brother and driving Mom and Dad crazy, and then sobbing uncontrollably. Yeah, it pretty much sucks, but you'll get through it. The more you are aware of these irrational emotions, the better you'll be able to try and tame them.

3) You're going to start liking boys, more and more... (oh jeez!) Something Mom had told me, that at first I didn't believe, but later deemed to be oh so true, was that the boys who are meanest to you are the ones who like you the most. NEVER take any of their crap, always stand up for yourself, but just know that all the teasing means that he has a big, fat crush on you.

4) Do not change yourself, for anyone. I grew up always a little on the outside of everyone else, dealt with a lot of bullying and exclusion because of it, and in those times it always seemed like if I could just change myself to be who they all wanted me to be, than maybe everything would be better. That's not the solution though sweetie, though it may be the more difficult route, stick to your guns, be who you are in every sense of the meaning, and in due time, there will be people who love, enjoy and respect you, for exactly who you are.

I miss you more and more, every single day, and am so proud of the girl you've grown into already! Keep doing what you do and one day you will flourish to be such an incredible woman. I love you with all of my heart!

XOXO,

Nikolah