Dear Friend,

Life doesn’t always map out the way we want. Life has a lot of trouble following the map, and being lost is common. Trying to find the right words, the right actions (and reactions), and the right emotions. People are naturally leaders, followers, emotional, stoic, closed off, or an open book. These personality traits clash and cause problems. Trying to be a friend to everyone is hard, especially when they don’t get along sometimes.

It will typically go as follows (or a variation of some sort). You’ve already forgotten what Friend A and Friend B were fighting about because Friend C and Friend D got into a new fight about Friend A and Friend B was gossiping with Friend E about the new fight. Leaving people out, behind, or alone is not what you want to do, so how do you deal with so much conflict in the friend group?

Well, I don’t necessarily have all the answers, but here is as much as I know.

Be a shoulder for everyone. Let friends come to you. Let them cry or rant on or just sit with you, and know that they have someone to trust their secrets and issues with. When people are facing conflict, it either angers or scares them. Let them pour their emotions out.

Keep it to yourself. What friends tell you is something that, unless you have permission, stays with you. In times of trouble, a friend needs a safe place for their confessions to go, and where their confessions won’t escape from. You either take it to the grave or don’t take it at all.

Give advice when asked to. Directing the drama traffic won’t make it slow down, and you’ll be the one hit hard when someone runs a red light. Think about the situation, and if it’s friend against friend from your point of view, try your best to create steps to a solution of compromise. Lead them, but don’t push them. Give them food for thought.

Keep yourself level-headed. Being the advice-giving, emotion-calming, problem-solving “parent” friend can be really difficult at sometimes. Keeping yourself above the drama is really the only way to help solve it. Getting involved brings you down to the level of spiraling emotions and tears you away from the steps towards compromise and peace.

Let the anger, sadness, and fear out. Emotions play with your logic and reasoning. It can be compared to the situation where you know you’re wrong, and you’ve realized you’re wrong, but you have to keep fighting for it because the argument’s been going for 34 minutes and “you can just let it go now!” In most situations I have seen, the anger, fear, and sadness is never a person feeling about another person, but a person feeling about the situation. Reassurance is key.

Friends, family, relationships of all kinds clash and conflict; it’s a definitive part of life, and there’s nothing else to do but to muddle through. These are not all the answers, but rather steps in an improved direction. I hope they help.

With love,

Maddie