I stared out of the window as the train made its way down the track. The chugga-chugga noise against the track soothed my anxieties about leaving. I knew it was the right thing to do, but it didn’t make it any easier.
I hadn’t even gotten the chance to say goodbye to everyone.
Leaving was what I had to do for me. It was safer this way, simpler. I had to keep telling that to myself as a reminder that I knew what I was doing.
Did I know what I was doing?
I watched as rows of corn fields passed by faster and faster as the train gained momentum. Each one that passed serving as a metaphor for memories I was leaving behind.
Goodbye to heart ache, I thought.
Leaving isn’t easy, it’s not meant to be.This was the time for me to find something new.
I didn’t have a plan, even as I walked up to the train station I hadn’t had a destination. I told mom that I would figure it all out over the upcoming weeks and eventually I would give her an address to send the rest of my stuff.
“You can’t just get on a train and go!” she did her best to reason with me “You’re not Kerouac!”
“You’re right, I’m not. That guy was on major drugs, did you know that?” I joked with her to lighten the mood. I laughed, she didn’t.
She hated everything about the idea and I knew it, even though she wasn’t saying it.
As a mother, I’m sure it wasn’t easy watching her baby leave her without a plan. I’m sure in her mind, now that it was all over, her and I could get back to how we had been before he came into my life. After the break-up, I suppose she figured her and I could start over together. In my mind, I had to start over alone. Knowing this probably wasn’t what she had wanted made leaving so much harder, but I couldn’t think about that now.
“She’s better off starting over without you, too.” I told myself.
I had never intended to involve my parents in the dark aspects of my life, convincing myself I was strong enough to do it myself. In reality, telling yourself that you don’t need the help of the people who brought you into this world is one of the craziest ideas you can try to convince yourself of. What was I trying to prove? Clearly nothing, because I had eventually come home and explained everything and told them why my relationship had ended.
He was a bad man and I was too naive to notice. All those jokes we made as teenagers about liking the bad boys turned out to be real adult issues. Who knew?
PSA for young adults: If given the choice, opt for the nerdy guy with Straight As in school, not the guy who’s constantly running from the cops. It’s not an exact science, but I feel like it should just be good practice.
I can’t tell you what went on in my brain, but before I knew it I was trapped and it was too late. I spent a year of my life in a relationship that was going nowhere. I vowed that this year would be different. This year, I was going to focus on myself.
So here I was. At the train station. Staring at a list of destinations.
“Where to, miss?” The man in the ticket booth asked me in the kindest way while I stared back at him in complete confusion.
“Uhhhh.” It was all I could muster. He stared at me like I had three heads. I stared back at him trying to make a choice as my brain short circuited.
What a great start to my next adventure. Not.
I didn’t expect this tiny station to have so many destination choices. East Coast? West Coast? Stay close? What’s in the Midwest again?
“Oh my god, lady! Just make a choice!” I yelled internally at myself.
It was then that I remembered I had terrible decision-making skills. In fact, how had I not considered that this entire life adventure was because I had made terrible decisions? What kind of quagmire had I gotten myself into? All of the sudden people were lining up behind me. I was taking up valuable time for travelers who had realized that this romantic idea of just letting the wind take you was completely asinine!
“NEW YORK CITY!” I blurted out loudly to the man in the booth.
Why was I yelling?
He looked back at me quizzically, probably trying to pinpoint whether or not I had some sort of condition.
He handed me my ticket and I turned around to smile at the line of people I had been holding up.
“I’m going to New York City!" I told them, as I held up my ticket.
They said nothing so I moved on.
I still don’t know what made me choose New York City. I could have chosen anywhere and I decided to stay in the same state and move to one of the most expensive places in the country. Except I wasn’t even exactly moving there, since I had nowhere to go and no place to stay. I had no job lined up, knew no one in the city, and was traveling with no plan.
This was exciting, right?
Right.
For now, I had at least made it onto the train. For now, I was warm and cozy and had a plan.
To sit on this train.
I had the entire trip to formulate my next move. I tried to remember each of the boroughs in the city. As a kid, I had only been to New York City twice. It wasn’t exactly close, New York is a huge state.
I had lucked out and scored a pretty empty train car. I sat alone in the car for a long time.
“Excuse me? Hello?” I started to come out of my daze as I realized someone was talking to me. I looked up to see a girl, about my age, staring at me and waving.
“Oh! Sorry. Hi.” I stumbled on my words and waved back.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt whatever you were thinking about, I just figured since we were both sitting alone that maybe you wanted some company?” As she talked she sat down in the seat next to me. She had posed it as a question but, apparently, she wasn’t waiting to find out whether or not I had actually wanted company.
“My name is Trudy!” She shoved her hand to my chest as she introduced herself.
Trudy was slender, with bright, long yellow hair that was extremely distracting. Her smile was infectious and, although I was thoroughly confused as to how a second ago I was alone with my thoughts, and now I was accompanied by what appeared to be a supermodel brought into my train car by a miniature tornado, I too was smiling a great, big smile.
I shook her hand and continued to smile for what seemed like an entire minute. It wasn’t until Trudy’s own smile began to fade into a look of regret for sitting down next to the weirdest human alive did I realize that I had failed to introduce myself.
“Oh! Uh, my name is Hazel. Sorry. Hi.” I awkwardly stumbled out an introduction and watched a smile reappear across Trudy’s lips.
“Heading to the big city?” She quizzed me as she started to unload her coat and her bags under the seat in front of us. It appeared she was staying seated here with me for the duration, although I still didn’t know why.
“Yeah, I am. You?” I was getting better at this conversation stuff.
“I sure am. Looking for my next big break. I really think New York will be it, ya know?”
“Oh. Yeah, totally.” I agreed politely, however, I really had no idea. I didn’t even know why I was going to the city but I had a feeling by the end of this ride I was going to know Trudy’s whole life story.
“You in the business, too?” She continued to pry.
“Business? What business?” I asked.
“Show business, silly! You know, the theatre!!” Trudy proclaimed the word theatre and added enthusiastic jazz hands like we were in front of an entire audience.
Ah, not a supermodel. An actress. That made sense.
“Oh, no. I’m going to New York for….well, I’m not sure yet.” As I said the words out loud I realized how ridiculous they sounded. I waited for the judgmental questioning to begin from my newfound travel buddy but it never came.
“Well if you don’t have a plan you should totally come stay with me! I just got this fab apartment in Brooklyn. I mean, it’s not super fab. It’s great for what I can afford...which is nothing.”
Did this stranger really just invite me to come live with her? Was this a real life situation? I couldn’t possibly take her up on that. Could I? I mean, did I have another choice? This ridiculous set-off-with-no-plan plan was completely stupid. The way I was starting to see it was that I either went to stay with Trudy, at least temporarily, or I slept on a park bench in Central Park in the middle of winter. Assuming that I could find Central Park on my own.
“Um, okay. If you don’t mind, I guess.” I stammered.
“Are you kidding? You’d be doing me a favor! Having a roommate will totally help me out. We’ll just find you a job when we get settled and it will be great!” Trudy hugged me enthusiastically like she had known me my whole life.
I wasn’t sure exactly how it had happened but in the span of about a half an hour, I had gone from homeless with no plan to living in an apartment in Brooklyn with an overly enthusiastic, blonde actress.
Now this, was the type of adventure I had set out for.
To Be Continued.
