Over it all, done with life, I can't do this. I have been on the edge of locking myself in my room and never speaking to another human again for MONTHS. I haven't felt this lost or tired in my 24 almost 25 years of life. I don't know how people have their shit together, I don't get how someone can look at another human being and know they're meant for them, I don't know how someone can grasp their minds around the idea that everything will be fine. I can't. I am swimming in debt, I sometimes let my bills become overdue because I can't pay them all on time and thank god I haven't had anything cut off because how embarrassing would that be?
As much as I know my parents will help me; they are the absolute last people I will call for help. I will drowned myself in my own mess until I can figure it out. I have my dream career, teaching. Can I pay my bills? Barely. Do I have two other jobs? Yes, 100%. Am I completely overworking myself to the point where I can literally feel myself getting the flu? Without a doubt. What else can I do? I need to have multiple jobs to afford my crappy one bedroom apartment on the "bad" side of town that is only $500 a month. It's not fun. I take back wanting to grow up because this is a sick joke of a life.
This sadly isn't even just my reality. There are so many young adults out in the world that can barely make it and get through. As much as I'd like to blame a habit of buying things I don't need; I rarely do. I bought a sweater form TJ Maxx for $12 and I felt so much guilt after leaving the store I almost returned it. It's not fun living life with extreme buyer remorse; I even get it bad when it's for groceries. Now that, that is the worst feeling in the world. In no world should one feel guilt for buying themselves food with their hard earned money; but I do. I have gotten to the point where I'll buy enough to make myself lunches for school and hope I just don't get hungry enough to want dinner and if I do? I keep pasta and rice on hand because that's only about $1.82 for a months worth.
When I'm not worried about how I'm going to survive the next month, I'm busy freaking out over my non-existent love life. I will literally convince myself that I am going to die alone almost every time I'm left alone with my own thoughts. Love is such an odd thing because I never know what's going to happen in my life. What if I don't meet "the one" until I'm 45?! I would probably die, not even joking. I don't know if I could emotionally stand to wait that long.
Life is hard and messy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I know that my early 20's are supposed to be difficult, and I know that things are going to be hard at times. That's what growing up is all about. I'll complain until the cows come home, but I know that in the end, it'll all be worth it.
