To my best friends – even the one that is my stressor. Thank you for being there for me every step of the way. Thank you for pushing me to get help. Thank you for making me stronger. Thank you for never giving up on me. I love you guys.

Hello. My name is Nikki, and I have an adjustment disorder.

What is an adjustment disorder? It’s a type of anxiety disorder where one responds to stress or change with symptoms of depression. The person may feel hopeless, sad, or anxious. They also might feel sick (stomachaches, headaches, nausea, etc.), have panic attacks or heart palpitations, feel tired more frequently or have insomnia, stress eat, or not eat at all. I was only diagnosed a few months ago, but it is something I have had to deal with since I was a kid, and today I am getting help to defeat it.

It’s hard to tell when this whole thing started, but I guess I can start with going from half day Kindergarten to full day first grade. Before all of this I had been a worrier, but this change caused me a lot of distress onto already being an anxious, little kid. I went from going to school but still having freedom and time to myself, to being at school all day, every day, and having homework when I got home. I had to learn how to be away from home, which was hard for me, because I am a homebody. Getting use to the structured day, the rules, the work, and everything else that came with full day school was hard, because I was so use to a relaxed environment. Throughout elementary school I saw the school’s counselor. I had a great relationship with her, because she was the only person in the place that took the time to understand how I felt while I was at school. She didn’t get angry or frustrated with me. She spoke kindly, and told me it was going to be okay. She always helped me out. I adjusted eventually, but I still had moments during my six years of elementary school where I just felt anxious for whatever reason.

I had a similar experience with the transition from high school to college, except now I was having trouble adjusting to having no structure at all. I became lazy. I gained a lot of weight, and the weight gain caused me to feel down on myself. I was sort of having an identity crisis. I didn’t know what I wanted to be at the moment, and I certainly didn’t know who I wanted to be in the future. I eventually got into a program I loved, and things got better, but I still had bouts of anxiety here and there. It wasn’t until the this past year that I started to really feel my anxiety take control of me.

I met the human form of perfection – the one, my perfect match, and everything was great for a long time. Then, I lost him, and I felt like I had lost my entire purpose for living. It was odd. I had lost people before, and yes I’d be sad and needed to learn how to adjust to life without said person, but this guy was different. To this day, I still have no idea what it is about him that makes letting go so difficult. When he ended things with me, I felt like that was it. I didn’t know how to live a life where he was not mine and I was not his. I would lay in bed and be sad. I’d start thinking about how I let him down, and how I was a waste of a person, because I am constantly pushing people away with my anxiety and over thinking, and this time I pushed away one of the best people I had ever met. I had done this before, but this time it was different. It was worse, because it was someone I cared about so much -- more than I cared about myself. One day, I had a panic attack. Everything was fine, but I suddenly broke. For a few moments during that attack I thought about hurting myself. I ruined something great. It was my fault. I always ruin everything, and I am a terrible person with no worth, because I ruin everything. I didn’t tell my parents, because they would just tell me to “get over it”, and then I would have felt worse. I just sat in my room, crying for him, trying to find the strength within myself to just let go, but I couldn’t. I just started taking long, deep breaths. That was not the first time this has ever happened to me where I had panicked and had to take deep breaths, but I had never thought about harming myself before. This time I knew I needed help, so I started seeking help.

For the record, I didn't actually want to hurt myself or anything. I mean, I didn't like myself very much at the moment, and the though of wanting to hurt myself did scare me a little after a while, but that is why I started seeking help. I didn't know what I was capable of, and I didn't want to find out, so I got help.

Everyone’s anxiety is different, especially when it comes to Adjustment Disorders, because they are based on one’s reaction to a stress or a specific stressor, and symptoms may depend on the stressor. For me, I stopped eating. I simply did not have an appetite. I force fed myself whatever sounded eatable at the moment, even if that meant eating Taco Bell everyday. I just wanted something in my stomach, but sometimes I couldn’t even force feed myself. I stopped working out, and I even called out sick from work a few times simply because I just didn’t have it in me to be functional. I’d wake up feeling nauseous, I couldn’t focus on something as simple as a TV show, and above all I just wanted to be alone. The problem is that being alone makes it worse. Those quiet moments alone allowed me to think more and feed my anxiety the over thinking it was craving. I didn’t talk about it either, because no one understood. No one, in my mind, knew what it was like to feel that their life was essentially over as they watched the love of their life walk away from them like it was nothing. My doctor referred me to a therapist, and she put me on Prozac, both of which have made all the difference in the world. My therapy session are the best hour of my week, because I get to be honest with someone about how I am feeling, and in return she gives me tips on how to handle how I am feeling. As I had mentioned, I had gone to school counselors before, but this was different. She didn't just reassure me it was going to be OK. She actually gave me tips and tools that were going to help me, and they have all helped me. She recommended that I play background noise when I am alone just to keep my mind from wandering. She told me to think about how I am feeling, and why I am feeling a certain way. If I don’t like how I am feeling I should think about what I can do to change it, and if I do like how I am feeling, then feel it. If I want to be sad I can be sad. It’s OK. But, I should also let go of negative feelings if they are doing me no good. What am I worrying about and why? Is this problem going to matter tomorrow? If not, throw it away, and focus on something else. Therapy has made me more aware of my feelings, and has allowed me to learn how to adjust to changes in my life. After my sessions, I take a warm bath with a bath bomb and relax. I started working out again, which has helped. I even started eating again. I have also started doing meditation during panic attacks. If I feel an attack coming on – just breath. I started going to yoga just to keep my mind from wandering to a bad place. Sure, I still have little freak outs here and there, but life’s been good since I got help.

The most important thing I can say about having an anxiety disorder is that you’ll get through it. Your anxiety does not define you. It doesn’t make you weak. Anxiety does not make you less of a person. If anything it make you stronger. Your mind has put you through hell, but you have made it here to this point, and that is impressive. There is always help for you, no matter how hopeless you may feel. Don’t be ashamed or afraid to get help. I always felt I had to hide how I was feeling. I didn't talk to anyone about having anxiety. I fake smiled. I made myself look like I was happy and okay, but there comes a point where that just is not possible anymore. You need to be honest with yourself about how you feel, as well as with those around you (which is what I am doing now). Therapists are your friends, and anti-anxiety meds seem scary, but they are worth it if you use them correctly. It might sound impossible, but get up and force yourself to do something. Some days when my anxiety was at it’s worst getting out of bed seemed impossible, but I did it. And, for people who have a friend or family member with any type of anxiety, be understanding. Be supportive, and NEVER tell them to “get over it”. It isn’t that simple. If they have a panic attack, especially if they are in public, get them to a place where they feel safe, give them some space, and let them just breathe until the attack passes. If they want to feel sad let them be sad if that brings them comfort. If they are sad and want to feel something else help distract them. Take them out for a while. If they want to be alone then let them be alone. Do not belittle them for being anxious. Anxiety is no joke. Anxiety is real. Anxiety is serious. Anxiety sucks. The worst thing you can do is tell someone with anxiety that they are overreacting or that they need to “chill” (which is what a friend once told me. I was so irritated with him for saying that). We didn’t ask for this, and we are doing the best we can to overcome it. We wish we could “chill”, but as soon as we start to, our thoughts get us worked up again. Just be supportive, and allow us to work things out in our own way and in our own time.

Anxiety, you do not control me. I will defeat you. I will overcome this. I will come out the other side stronger than I was before. Lady Olenna on Game of Thrones told Daenarys in the most recent season “You are a dragon. Be dragon.” Those words struck me. I say that to myself whenever I feel down.

I am a dragon. I will be a dragon. I will destroy my anxiety with fire and blood like a true Targaryen, and I will do whatever it takes to make myself happy.