I've been told that my kindergarten teacher once described me in two words: Easily Distracted.
It wasn't meant to be a discouraging statement in any way, but a realistic one to my parents and now to me. That was in the late '90s. Since then, I've felt the effects off Attention-Deficit Disorder in so many ways. I know I'm certainly not the only one.
According to a study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the Health Resources and Services Administration, 11 percent of children ages 4-17 (6.4 million) were diagnosed with ADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) back in 2011. ADD/ADHD can often be misdiagnosed, but a lot of people do struggle with it.
I have memories of being in fifth grade and missing out on the rewards most of the other students received for having all of their assignments turned in on time or whatever it was. I know you can't blame all of your tardiness, late assignments, and missing assignments on a disorder, but it plays a big part.
I felt my ADD/ADHD kind of flare up in middle school. Now, I'm sure a big part of this was due to being well, in middle school. Most of us were punks in some way or another. During my seventh grade year, I was moved at least twice during two different classes due to not shutting up during class - not exactly something rare in middle school; but for me, that was something new. I'm kind of surprised I didn't land in detention. (That would have been devastating to me, ha.) Throughout my elementary, middle school, high school (and even college) years, I constantly struggled with keeping my assignments organized and turning them in on time.
The funny thing is that lots of people saw me in school as someone who made straight A's and all that jazz - far from it. Now, I wasn't anywhere near failing every single one of my classes, but I was a B/C/a few A's/occasional D's student. I tried my best to behave well and for the most part, I was good with that. Despite my talkativeness, I didn't have many close friends. I never felt like I had a best friend and that always sucked. I felt like a bother, like a never fully fit in - like many other kids that age do. I had several boyfriends but I didn't know how relationships were supposed to work; I always ended up stressed out over things I didn't need to stress about. Too many tears were shed for a 17-year-old in what she thought was love.
As a young adult, I still constantly struggle with ADD/ADHD. Sometimes I make jokes at weird times, I've yet to master keeping one calendar or journal, and my car is almost constantly littered with papers, cups, and water bottles. My room is a tangled up mess: Often, I have to maneuver around piles of books and pieces of clothing in order to turn on my ceiling fan. Sometimes I just think it's laziness but I realize that when I try to clean my room, I find that I don't know where to begin. "Should I put this pile in a box and put it in the basement?" "Should I get rid of this shirt? No, I can't let go of it." "I have too many books on my shelf but I have no more room to put another one in here."
Too many things at one time can get overwhelming and over-stimulation becomes too real. People talking right next to you while you're trying to concentrate on something is the worst. I also had an intense struggle with math classes throughout my academic life and I really wonder if ADD has something to do with it. Research has found that many students with ADD/ADHD have higher rates of math learning disabilities.
It's been said that ADD/ADHD can go hand-in-hand with anxiety disorders. Many people who have ADD/ADHD also have anxiety and I am one of them.
Looking back on my high school days, I can now see that I was riddled with anxiety. This may sound like an ignorant thing to say, but I didn't realize that was what it was. Despite keeping a mostly happy demeanor, I was so often inwardly unhappy and uneasy throughout most of high school, even after beginning to take medication by my later high school years. My junior year (2010 - 2011) was the worst. I began dating and I had such an unhealthy view of myself and of dating. I put almost all of my self-worth into a relationship that didn't end up working out. I psyched myself out and got to the point where I'd start sobbing if I hadn't gotten a text within a certain amount of time, figuring my relationship was all over. I ached so much. It went on for months. Through it all, I kept smiling trying not to let it take over. I wish I could have been better at being more transparent and letting my emotions flow. The medicine I was taking was not a good match for me and for awhile, I ended up feeling horrible on it until I switched. That part of my life is often hard to understand or explain. It was just sort of weird.
During my sophomore year of college, I was a commuter and rarely went out socially because I fell into some kind of hole of anxiety. It's not that I didn't go out at all, but when I did I felt so on guard all of the time. People began to notice that I was acting on-edge and it hurt. Then, almost miraculously, I made some new friends in my creative writing class the next year and since then, I've made enormous progress with socializing.
I haven't fallen into that cycle since; I just have off days every so often, like everyone does. I've made some of the best friends I've ever had toward the end of college. I also have best friends who I befriended during middle and high school who either live out of town, out of state, or in the same town who I get to see weekly. With the right medicine and more positive thinking, things have gotten much better. It's always a work in progress.
But with all of its negative aspects, having ADD has some positive attributes. I think because I have Attention-Deficit Disorder, I've been given a mixed blessing. I have the power of hyperfocus, which - if applied properly and at appropriate times - can do lots of good. I'm almost always full of energy. I have a red-hot passion for film history, which I'm now aspiring to go into professionally. I love making jokes, laughing, and I love people. Sometimes I feel socially awkward, but no matter how awkward I may feel at times, I just love people. I take pride in dressing up in funky clothing and vintage/vintage-inspired ensembles. It's so fun and it feels so great to dress how you feel, which for me = OLD. I've made peace with being alone instead of feeling empty at the thought of it. I actually love being alone sometimes now. I even like to go to movies alone because there's something special about zoning in by yourself.
If you struggle with ADD/ADHD, anxiety, or any other kind of similar disorder, try to find the positives of it. Lots of aspects of it may suck, but there's almost always something good to come out of it. If you haven't sought help for your disorder, please do.
