Hi there, my name is Vicki and I am addicted to food. I weigh 200-something pounds and the only reason why I say something and not a number is because I am too afraid to step on a scale and figure out what that something is. When I was about eight or nine years old I started eating all the pain and insecurities I developed after being bullied for what my face looks like. Over the years there have been a couple of things that have helped me take away the sadness but nothing has worked as well as food. Food is my best friend. Sure, food and I fight, mostly about how it's making me fatter and fatter everyday and how it'll give me health problems, but don't all friends fight? One thing I noticed humans do and food doesn't do is that food never calls me ugly. It never makes me feel unappreciated, unwanted, unloved, but mostly undesired. Food makes me feel AMAZING. Sometimes i'll eat something and feel like I am on top of the world. It's the most wonderful feeling you can experience no matter how much money you have in your pocket.

I've never admitted to being an addict until today when I had an appointment with an acupuncturist who i've been seeing since October 2016 for weight loss. I usually take an Uber home but today I decided that since I was going alone I could be sneaky and find some type of desert after my appointment. You see as cool as my doctor is, he gave me this crazy diet which is completely opposite from the way I used to eat: no meat, dairy, egg yolk (but I can eat egg whites), wheat, brown rice, anything spicy (my favorite type of food!), coconut, apple, pear, any type of citrus, mango, tomato, pineapple, cinnamon... and about 15-20 other things. At the beginning I was doing very well and successfully dropped 12 pounds within a month and a half. I was on fire! But then...Thanksgiving came around.

Thanksgiving 2016 was the first time my family and I ever had a traditional Thanksgiving at home, so I decided that I was going to make all the side dishes. Since I'm basically supposed to be vegan now I knew that it was going to be very hard for me and so, I decided that I was just going to be a vegetarian that day and avoid the meat while having plenty of options around me. Then it was time for pie. I had bought a special salted caramel pie just for me (since I worked so hard) that I would eat at exactly 12 midnight as I watched the first episode of the Gilmore Girls revival (which sucked btw) and that's how it started again.

Little by little I started eating the food I didn't want in my body again but it was as if a monster took over my body and had massive craving for eggs, cheese, sweets, bread and even on one occasion, meat. Since the beginning of January I haven't eaten meat but I sure as hell have been eating everything else. It's the stress you know? I might not be getting bullied anymore but I have so much stress. I feel like the walls around me are crumbling down and the only way to keep them from killing me is if I eat everything in sight and pretend like i'm doing fine. I hadn't been to therapy in a while but I got to go a few days ago which was the only night in a while where I didn't have dinner. I spend most nights coming up with plans I make with myself in order to find cheap and delicious food for the next night and then on the following night I do the same thing. I have spent the last two months blowing all my money on takeout food because I don't really want to leave my house to find food and I don't want to cook anything either. I need a quick fix and driving somewhere will take longer than someone coming to me.

*Press picture for more information.

It's embarrassing. I keep telling myself at the end of every night that "this is it, i'm done. I'm going back on the strict diet tomorrow morning and everything will be better." It's an illness. Having food as my crutch is an illness and if I had a nickel for every time I admitted that to myself I would only have one nickel because this is the first time I've ever truly considered myself to have a problem. It wasn't until this evening when I decided to go straight from my weight loss doctor to a cupcake shop because I was detoxing from the pita chips, salsa and spicy sour cream I ate earlier that evening. I cleverly told myself that if I walked the 1.8 miles to the shop that I worked hard for it but that's not the truth and I knew it. When I got there I contemplated not going in and just being proud of getting the exercise I got done but then I noticed the ice cream shop they opened up as well and I tricked myself into believing that I wouldn't be able to go on without it. I got a cupcake sundae. I justified my mistake by getting a vegan red velvet cupcake but in between the top and the middle I got half salted caramel and half red velvet ice cream. It was during my fifth or sixth bite when I started feeling bad about myself. When I started yelling at myself on the inside and calling me names that I used to hate being called. I do it to myself, no one is forcing me to eat that sundae, but I act like they are. I play the victim and I need help. How could I have gone from being so motivated and wanting to get my shit together not just to lose the weight but to be healthy to revert to someone who relies on food to make every decision for her.

What's worse is that I know I can be successful, because i've done it before. I've proven to the most important critic, (myself) that I can be better. I can be better for myself and prove to myself that food doesn't dictate my life. Food is not what makes me truly happy and it doesn't have as much power over me like it used too. As I walked another mile to my house in sandals and felt blisters being created on the bottoms of my feet I came to the conclusion that the pain I was feeling was punishment for putting that delicious creamy orgasmic food in my body. And tonight, when I tell myself I will be better and that "this is it, i'm done. I'm going back on the strict diet tomorrow morning and everything will be better." I will mean it. I don't ever want to feel this ashamed again. I never want to come home again and write over 1500 words on something that has ruined my life for nearly a decade. I need to do better and I need to be better. Not for my parents, siblings, extended family, friends, queen bees, classmates, staff members, co workers, strangers, or anyone else but for me. At the end of the day it will be me getting diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes then having a heart attack then becoming so big I can't walk anymore and HBO will make a documentary on how depressing my life is followed by one or two more heart attacks and a very expected and not so surprising death. I know i'm not even near that point but who says I wont be...eventually. From now on i'm going to exercise and stick to my diet while attending eaters anonymous groups (if they have those) to the best of my ability. I can not and will not let myself revert back to the person I was as a child. The girl who hated herself and never thought a guy would ever love a beast like her. I will not be the insecure girl I used to be when said guy tells me i'm beautiful and i'm appalled by those words. I am beautiful and the next time he tells me i'm beautiful I'm going to believe it because I think I am too and what type of person would I be if I deprived the world of my beautifulness (lol).

So, if anyone stuck around until the end of this article I truly want thank you because a Binge Eating Disorder is a major issue and more and more people are suffering from it everyday. It is a newer diagnosis but it is just as harmful as other eating disorders such as Bulimia and Anorexia. If you or anyone you know is overeating due to stress, sadness or any other reason please reach out to a general doctor who will help you find the right assistance and plan to help you get the treatment you need.