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An Ad For Dad

I'm in the market for finding friends.

Nicole DiTolla

Aug 08, 2016

University of Scranton

QuotesGram

My little brother is off to college, I'm off to Africa soon, and my sister is in Mississippi for the next couple of months. My parents are going to officially be empty nesters!

Now my mom has a lot of friends because she's pretty social. And my dad is, too, but he doesn't really have his own friends. He has work friends, and my mom's friends are certainly his friends. But now is the time for him to go get out there!

With the freedom to do whatever the heck he wants on the weekends, I'm sure he needs friends for golf. I hear he's an awesome golfer. I've never seen it because I don't want to bore my brains out on a field of grass while simultaneously staring into the distance.

Hands down, he's the funniest person I know. The king of dad jokes. Here's a great recent example.

Me: Who's your favorite modern artist?
My dad: (Long pause because he can't remember any) Hal Steinberner (The Yankees Owner). Just kidding, I wouldn't put that in. I'm making that up. Ed (addressing my brother), give me an artist. I would say a modern artist would be...
Ed: Maroon 5
Dad: Yea, Maroon 5. Wait Maroon 10. And stranded three. They're cousins.
Me: Who's your favorite old artist?
Dad: Mick Jagger of the Rolling Pebbles (He means The Rolling Stones).

What a guy! I told you, he's the king of dad jokes.

The quality he admires most in a person is integrity. If he were to have a superpower, he would want to fly at the speed of light. Buy him coffee ice cream, and he'll love you forever. Trust me, I'm his fan favorite as of right now. He loves the movie "Scrooge" with Albert Finney, "Jaws," and "The Godfather and Mister Roberts."

Ever been to Portifino, Italy? Tell him about your adventures. He wants to go! If you haven't been, you can both help each other plan your dream vacations!

And if he could be famous, he would only want to be famous if he found the cure for all cancers. Yes, he is a great guy. But he is an even better dad.

If you know of anyone who is in the market for a friend like the one I have, let me know!

Email: nicole.ditolla@scranton.edu

Twitter: @nicole_ditolla

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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An Ad For Dad

I'm in the market for finding friends.

Subscribe to our Newsletter

#Adulting is hard.

1. Taking care of yourself when you're sick

2. Making a to-do list

3. Planning your activities around the weather

4. Scheduling your own doctor’s appointments

5. Getting your own toilet paper

6. Making food without needing to ask your mom questions

7. Holding your tongue

8. Saving your paycheck (or your tax refund) to pay your bills

9. Balancing your checkbook

10. Going places alone

11. Packing your own lunches

12. Actually eating your vegetables...on purpose

13. Taking a multivitamin

14. Planning a life after graduation

Sometimes bigger isn't always better.

1. If something happens, everyone knows about it

2. Never getting to be invisible

3. Knowing every single thing about every single person in the town

4. New kids are a big deal

5. It’s hard to make new friends

6. On that note ... the dating pool is even smaller!

7. Teachers are weirdly close to their students

8. It forced you to make friends out of school

"I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love"

1. That Time He Tested Out His Flirting Skills and This Happened

2. When He Was Willing to Do Anything to Avoid Confrontation

3. When He Couldn't Handle Awkward, Emotional Situations

4. How He Reacted Whenever His Friends Ignored Him

5. All of the Times He Worried About His Failing Love Life

6. Whenever He Tried to Whip Himself Into Shape

7. How He Handled New People and New Experiences

8. Whenever His Friends Got Annoying, He Was Always the Voice of Reason

9. He Always Knew How to Jam

10. He Finds a Way to Make Any Situation More Fun

No, I can't help you.

1. When a customer wants to return a product, hands you the receipt, where is printed "ALL SALES ARE FINAL" in all caps.

2. Just because you might be having a bad day, and you're in a crappy mood, doesn't make it okay for you to yell at me or be rude to me. I'm a person with feelings, just like you.

3. People refusing to be put on hold when a customer is standing right in front of you. Oh, how I wish I could just hang up on you!

4. Having the same conversations over and over again! To be honest I really don't even want to talk to you right now, or have this fake ass smile on my face!

5. Always having to have a smile on your face. I promise I'm not as happy as I may look!

6. Customers not understanding that sometimes, mistakes happen. I am a human being, we all mess up sometimes!

7. Having the boss from hell, it's their way or the highway! Even though I did my job correctly and efficiently, if I don't do it the exact way you do, I'm a piece of shit.

8. Having coworker who don't help out, who bend the rules just enough to screw you over.

9. Having to be at work after closing because a customer is taking forever and half! Not like I'd like to go home or anything!

10. Having shitty hours and more shifts than you asked for. Just because we don't have enough workers, doesn't mean I want to pick up every shift that you cant cover, oh great boss of mine!

11. Not having time for a social life. It gets old saying, "I can't I have work..." Every day of the week!

12. Having that lazy costumer who can't do anything for themselves... no please I'll get that, it's no problem at all!

It's just my face, I swear.

1. When you meet new people, they automatically assume you hate them or are rude.

2. People are constantly asking you if you're OK.

3. After being friends with someone for a while, they confess to you, "I thought you were so mean when I first met you," or, "I thought you hated me."

4. You get told to smile more, but they don't understand how scary that would be.

5. You're always labeled as seeming "judgy."

6. Passing a friend with your RBF in full force and not realizing you just shot them a death glare.

7. Being sarcastic, but everyone thinks you're outright rude.

8. Not knowing how mean you really look until you see a picture of yourself in resting face.

9. Your apologies never sound sincere because of your emotionless face.

10. Your "mad face" scares you.

11. And, lastly, people are constantly asking you if you are happy or having a good time because you look bored to death.

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