I won’t lie and say that I haven’t lead a fortunate life, because I have. I have parents, family, and friends who love me and a work ethic people would kill for. But I also won’t lie and say that the universe hasn’t taken a huge crap on my life here and there, threatening the love that I share with others and making me question my reason for working so hard all of the time. When one thing goes wrong, suddenly I forget all of the good fortune in my life.
Sound a little too existentialist to think about? Let’s attribute it to the “all-or-nothing” thinking people use to justify the actions of others.
It is the popular opinion that people are either entirely good or entirely bad. What appears to be good to them is perceived as bad by you, and vice versa. I see this as a coping strategy; a way to try to control who we surround ourselves with by voting the bad off of the island. This, in itself, is an effective survival tactic, because everyone knows the danger of toxic people, and who wants a serial killer at the party anyway? But have you ever noticed that the moment a good person does something bad, their “goodness” is tainted and everything regarding their validity as a “good” person is questioned? The reason why is obvious: this person is seen as a threat to you, right? You don’t want someone in your life who makes you feel anything but happy, peaceful, and relaxed. But whenever a bad person tries to be good or is actively good for x amount of years, they’re still seen as “bad” and this “badness” is immovable. It is a flat-rate. It is non-negotiable. This is why there are people like me who are terrified of getting on someone’s bad side, because it seems like the minute you anger someone, they drop you. However, this fear creates a timid, submissive, and overly-sensitive society that is only breeding grounds for dominant types who are manipulative and take advantage of people becoming doormats.
I’m guilty of thinking this way about others, believe me. In my past, the moment someone did something I didn’t like or didn’t agree with, I became terrified. “I’ll have to leave them,” I’d think, even though I wouldn’t want to. I had this attitude especially towards men, because women are taught that a “good man” is one who’s always sweet and makes you happy and always caters to your every whim. And if they say no to you once, they’re immediate trash and it goes from “aw, you’re so cute together” to “oh my gosh, why are you still with him when he just told you no?”
Balancing the caution with the practicality is enough to drive anyone insane. Am I protecting myself or am I over-reacting? I’m not perfect, why should I expect him to be? And do I personally want someone who’s constantly sweet to me? No. I enjoy butting heads and tossing around theories like they’re a hacky sack. The overly-sweet guys would just hand back the hacky sack to make it easy for me, nodding along to everything I said. I prefer a guy who would make me work for the return throw and pelt me with challenges, as I would him.
Sorry to disappoint everyone, but no one is entirely good or entirely bad. We might have to [gasp] accept people for who they are rather than who we want them to be. I don’t fully agree with every single thing my friends or family do, but that doesn’t mean that I have to drop them.
But what if they drain you?
I’m an introvert who prefers thinking and listening rather than speaking, everyone drains me. But I know my threshold. There’s some good advice: get to know your threshold. Understand that everyone has a different threshold, so worry more about understanding yours rather than pigeon-holing everyone else’s.
They did something you don’t agree with.
No one shares my every belief on every subject. No one has my exact same set of morals. Do I get irritated when people question me? Of course. But I will have evidence to back up my claim just as I hope they have evidence to back up theirs. Have you ever heard of the book 13 American Arguments? In the last chapter, the author states that Americans love to argue, and that might be because we’re an ever-growing melting pot of differences that clash and bang together like excited molecules and that’s amazing. It just makes us more passionate and driven individuals, but if and only if we view differing opinions as an opportunity to grow rather than a reason to not associate with someone.
Regarding the title of this article, it just means that you should not base your entire opinion of other people based on only what you’re used to. If you come from a loving family like me, you might feel threatened by someone who is emotionally unattached, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t befriend this person. It also doesn’t mean that you should feel entitled to “save” this person, either. That just makes for a lose-lose interaction because you’re expecting to be this person’s saving grace when they have had plenty of saving graces handed their way before, but based on what they’re used to they don’t know how to accept the graces.
So, accept the unexpected, “accept the things you cannot change,” especially with other people. Because if you agreed with everything that everyone does, then the world would be a boring place.
