For more than a year I've tried to write about this topic, but I've always found myself unable to. It's just not a topic I want to speak openly about. It is not an easy thing to admit you dated someone who was abusive. I still struggle with feelings of guilt and embarrassment because at times I was smart enough to see what was happening but still dated him anyway. I don't like to see myself as a victim or admit that I was wrong, and I have hesitated from sharing my experience because I don't want others to view me that way either.
It has taken more than a year for me to finally stop blaming myself and accept that I am not at fault for how I was treated. Unfortunately, there are many people who can't do the same. It's hard to be honest about abusive relationships when they are so often treated as a joke in our society and victim-blaming is so prevalent. This is why I'm sharing my experience: not for pity or to make myself out to be a victim, but because I'm tired of abusive relationships being treated as a joke.
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Emotional, physical or a combination of both, there is nothing funny about abuse in a relationship. There is nothing funny about being scared to be alone with your own boyfriend because his moods are so unpredictable. There is nothing funny about being yelled at by your own boyfriend in public because he knows you won't argue back in front of people. There is nothing funny about being constantly blamed for dating other people in the past, having friends who are males or even talking to anyone of another gender. There is nothing funny about lying to your family, canceling plans with your friends and covering up signs of physical abuse because you're afraid of making a person with such unpredictable moods angry.
Abuse in relationships is not a joke; it's losing all of your friends because your boyfriend constantly makes you cancel plans with them. It's leaving football games, the movies and your own birthday party early to argue on the phone. It's spending $80 on a ski trip only to be given the silent treatment the whole time because another boy texted you. It's being picked up for a date only to pull into a parking lot and be yelled at for dating other boys before him. It's seeing bruises on your boyfriend's knuckles and asking where they came from, only to be asked, "What? Are you worried I'm going to hit you now too?"
It's getting up and leaving the first time he does, and his only words are, "What? Are you going to tell people I abuse you now?"
It's lying to your friends, making excuses for his behavior and blaming yourself for things that aren't even your fault.
For months I wanted to confide in my friends about my boyfriend's abusive behavior, but I knew he would find out if I said anything bad about him. He proved this to me all the time by using my own best friend against me and losing it the time I tried to call my sister when I was upset after an argument. Even after we broke up, I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about what our relationship was really like because I didn't want people to think I was playing the victim. I was even more encouraged to stay quiet about it once I finally did open up to someone and was immediately met with the response, "If that was true, you would have told someone sooner."
I'm sharing my experience now because I'm tired of seeing victims of abuse in relationships be treated like this. It's time to stop victim-blaming and stop making a joke out of abuse. It's time to stop dropping jokes about hitting women and following them up with "I was just kidding" like that somehow makes it okay. It's time to stop telling people they're lying or exaggerating when they talk about their experiences just because those experiences didn't happen to you. If we could take abusive relationships just a little bit seriously, maybe it wouldn't take victims more than a year to be willing to open up about their experiences. Look out for your friends, listen to what they have to say or at least show some sensitivity. I know I would have appreciated this kind of behavior a year ago, and I'm sure there are others who would appreciate it now. You never know what other people are going through, so it's time to stop making a joke out of abusive relationships.
