There's nothing quite like crawling into bed at night and feeling like you've let down everyone you care about. There's nothing like calling it a night and wanting to apologize for everything you've done that day, for annoying your loved ones, for not being good enough. There's absolutely nothing like knowing in your heart that you haven't done anything to upset your loved ones yet your brain is constantly telling you that you have, that you're not good enough, that you're a failure and letting everyone down and that no matter how hard you try it won't be enough. So you apologize. And your apologies become just as annoying and frustrating to others as you feared you already were. And so the cycle continues.
To all of my friends and loved ones, I'm not trying to be annoying. I'm not trying to frustrate you or seem like I'm seeking attention. Those impressions and so many other are what I fear. They are the reason I smile and say I'm ok and then break down when no one is around. They are part of the reason I live in constant fear of letting people down and not being strong enough. The truth is, all of this is hard to talk about - it all goes back to the cycle I was talking about. The truth is, all of these reactions are symptoms of past emotional abuse.
While I may not be in that situation now, my history with emotional abuse is hard to escape. Heck, it's hard to admit that I was in such a situation. That's the thing about emotional abuse, it's hard to recognize and just as hard if not harder to admit being a victim of for more reasons than one. Whether I realize it or not, I still seek the approval of the people who perpetuated the situation. I still worry that I'm not good enough and that I'm letting everyone down. I know that, in reality, I am good enough and that I'm not letting my loved ones down. But that voice from the past lingers and sometimes it's beyond difficult to tune it out.
To anyone out there who is being emotionally abused, it is not your fault. You are good enough and you are loved. I know that seems easy for me to say, but I want you to know that you are not alone and that there are people who care about you and want to help you. I can empathize with what you're going through and I promise you, I care! No matter how dark and dismal a situation may appear, you matter, you are good enough, you are loved. Be patient with yourself. Just because someone else doesn't seem to see your worth or won't communicate it to you, doesn't mean you are worthless.
To anyone who thinks someone close to them might be in an emotionally abusive situation, be it a familial relationship, a friendship or even a romantic relationship, please be patient with them. Encourage them to talk about what is going on but be aware that they may not know they are in an emotionally abusive situation, especially if the abuser is someone who is supposed to love them unconditionally, no matter what. Please avoid victimizing them. You may mean well, but from someone who has been there, that can set off so many different bells and alarms all playing some variation of "there is something wrong with you," "you are weak," "you're not good enough/you're a failure," and (one of my most detested phrases) "so-and-so doesn't actually like/love you." No, that is not what you mean, but for someone who is being emotionally abused that is likely what is heard.
Every situation is different and every person has different ways of coping with and reacting to emotional abuse. Always remember that just because you can see physical proof (bruises, broken bones, etc), does not mean the abuse does not exist. Emotional abuse is much more subtle than physical abuse and can be much harder to detect, even for those on the receiving end. Please be patient with us. We derive a lot of our self worth from our interactions with others, especially if that was/is a key component in the abuse we experience(d).
If you or someone you know is in an emotionally abusive situation or relationship, there is help available. Needing help does not make you weak and it does not diminish your worth. Be kind to yourself - you are good enough, you are strong, you are priceless and you are loved. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. I think Katherine Stockett said it best in The Help when she wrote, "You is kind, you is smart, you is important."
