To the father that wasn't there

There are times that I wonder why you’re not here, but most of the time I try not to think about it. I try not to think about the father-daughter dances I had to miss out on or all the daddy-daughter dates we never got to have. I try not to think about the things a dad should teach his daughter, like how to shoot a gun or change a tire, that you weren't there for. I try not to think about all the birthdays and holidays that I didn’t have you by my side for, or the family vacations we never got to go on. I try not to think about all the things I wish I had you here for.

But every once in a while, in moments of weakness, I find myself wishing you were here. Then I remember the roller coaster of emotions you have made me ride for most of my life and I'm relieved you're not in my life. I bet you didn't realize that my very first memory is you walking down the stairs with your suitcases the day you left our family. You probably have no idea how long I stood outside of school waiting for you to come pick me up, only to have to call my grandma for a ride, because you never showed. I remember all the times you told me you would meet up with me or call me, just to leave me hanging on to all those empty promises.

I'm not sorry to say that you gave me so many bad memories over the years that I have realized, sometimes someone can hurt you so much that there comes a point where it stops hurting all together.

I will admit that I was bitter towards you for a long time, but now I am simply thankful. Although there is a lot you did not teach me, it seems the list of things you did teach me is longer. You taught me a lot about life, love and trust, but mostly you taught me a lot about myself. You taught me not to depend on people, because they will usually end up letting you down. You taught me that promises are often broken and that hearts eventually heal. You taught me that you don’t always get what you want, because being “Daddy’s Little Girl” was just a childhood dream of mine that will forever be left shattered. You taught me just how strong I can be and how fiercely independent I am. You taught me that sometimes people are nice and situations seem promising, but that you still need to guard your heart. You taught me that “I love you” doesn’t mean I’m there for you, and that people don’t always necessarily mean what they say. You taught me what it means to care about someone from a distance. You taught me that wondering often hurts more than forgetting.

I used to wonder about you a lot -- what you're doing and where you like to travel to, what you do on the weekends or where you work. There were times that I wondered if you ever thought of me -- if you ever even missed me. Were you ever curious about my new hometown or what my favorite animal is, what kind of music I listen to and what shows I like to binge watch on Netflix? I used to wonder what words of encouragement you would have when life gets tough and I need someone to talk to. Sometimes I wonder, but mostly I don't care.

I have survived so long without you that it's like you never even existed. I know if you were around, you would be proud of the woman I have become today and everything I have accomplished. I am thankful that you're not around, because everything I have, everything I am, everything I own and all my achievements can be credited to one person -- me. I realized long ago that I don't need you in my life, and I don't need your approval or your applaud. I no longer desire to hear you say you are proud of me, because I am proud of myself.

Sometimes nothing else seems to matter when I think about all the things I missed out on by you not being around. Then one day I realized the most important thing - you are the one that got the raw end of this deal. You don’t get to pray with me over job interviews or be there when I have the exciting or disappointing news when it’s over. You don’t get to meet the amazing man I’m dating and see how well he treats your daughter. You won’t be the one he asks for permission from to marry me and you won’t get to celebrate with us when he gets down on one knee. You don’t get the honor of walking your little girl down the aisle and giving me away to the love of my life. You will miss out on the excitement of us buying our first house together and the not-so-exciting part of helping us move in. You won’t be there when your grandchildren are born or when they take their first steps. You won’t be there to tell them stories or hug them tight and you will never hear them call you “grandpa”. You won’t be there to give them cookies, even though you know we don’t let them eat sweets before bedtime.

It used to hurt to think about you not being there for all the important milestones of my life, but that stopped hurting a long time ago. I used to think that I was losing out by not having you around, butI realize now that the only one losing is you.

- The daughter you left behind