Okay, it's no joke that this clown dilemma has become an epidemic.
In case you have been living under a rock or have been hoping that the clown sightings are just a nightmare, let me fill you in. Throughout the US (and Canada- yes, it's going international!) people are dressing up as the worst Halloween creatures ever (that is an opinion but let's be real, clowns are scary as shit).
What are they doing? Most just wave as you pass. Others have been caught on camera attacking people. Some carry weapons (knives and bats). They have been spotted in multiple different states, college campuses, on top of billboards, side of dirt roads and interstates. They have even been caught on video jumping on top of moving cars. Oh, and to add a cherry to the top of this fantastic (not) cake, they have been spotted both day and night.
For me, this is the end. I'm terrified of clowns. The only man that has ever worn face paint with red lips and dyed hair that has simultaneously won my heart is Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight. I am the girl that crosses the street on Halloween when a child is dressed as a clown. I never wanted a clown for a birthday party when I was younger. Haunted Houses with clowns in them are haunted houses that I do not enter.
So you can only imagine when this entire "clown sighting" thing started happening how I naturally reacted. My first thought was: hell no. I mean I am willing to die for a greater cause but I am not, I repeat not, willing to die by the hands of a clown. Now, I sprint to my car when it's dark outside and I make sure to have 91 dialed on my phone so that all I have to do is press the other 1 and send. I have thought about carrying a baseball bat around with me (though I know that with my luck and clumsiness, the clown would just use my own baseball bat as a weapon against me).
Last night me and my roommate were sitting in our living room watching "clown sighting" videos when we heard almost a scratching noise. We thought it was coming from outside. We thought it was a clown and both of us were too scared to look through the peephole to check. Naturally, I slept with the light on the entire night. Meanwhile, my little brother claims this is something he has been training for (he isn't scared and quite frankly, I think the clowns should be scared of him- he's 6'4).
So, here are some realistic tips I have for those afraid of clowns, unable to protect themselves, or do not have a "manly man" in their lives who wants to go "clown hunting."
1. Don't go outside for the rest of October.
That's right. Prepare as if you were preparing for a hurricane to barrel through your hometown. Get some canned food and stock up on T-P. See you folks in November!
2. Cancel Halloween.
I'm sorry, you're telling me that I have to differentiate between dress-up clowns and killer clowns on October 31st? Hell no. Halloween has been cancelled on the account of the fact that I want to survive to see my 21st birthday.
3. If, in fact, you do have to go outside, carry your heaviest textbook at all times.
Launch your Introduction to Psychology or BioChem textbook at that clown's face. Hopefully it knocks him out (plus then you have an excuse for not studying for that exam coming up).
4. Run him over.
Okay, I'm sorry but all of these people are stopping their cars to take videos or get out of their car to talk to the clowns in the middle of the road. If some clown starts attacking my car, you better believe I'm putting my 2003 Honda Pilot in full throttle.
5. Ask him if he wants to borrow some bronzer.
Some of these clowns do NOT know how to contour. It's washing them out in all of these pictures and videos.
6. When approached by clown explain your situation.
Tell him you're broke, your FAFSA may not be accepted, your failing 3 classes. Maybe he'll pity you as the poor, in debt, ramen-eating college student you are.
7. Do not go "clown hunting"
Ladies, if your boyfriend or any boy for that matter asks to "clown hunt and chill," you say: "it was really nice knowing you." I don't care how nice his man buns are or how many "gains" he has- YOU DO NOT NEED THIS NEGATIVITY IN YOUR LIFE, GIRL.
8. Never go to an abandoned anything.
No abandoned houses, stores, parking garages. Anything. I mean have you not seen any scary movie ever?!
9. Barricade your door at night.
I don't think silver or crosses repel clowns but a five foot dresser in front of the door can definitely make it more difficult to get in.
10. Transfer schools.
Once a clown sighting takes place at U of L, I am packing my bags. Sorry mom, dad, and my education.
11. Take combat lessons.
Clowns wanna throw down? Learn to throw down (and I am not talking about twerking).
12. Do not pee your pants or scream.
If you do see a clown, I think they're kinda like dogs and can sense fear? I'm not sure but avoid peeing or screaming at all costs.
13. Be like Penn State and start a riot.
A few days ago, 6,000 students at Penn State banded together to riot against the clown that was spotted on their campus. They trapped the clown in a tree. Be like Penn State and stick together for the greater cause.
14. Hire a bodyguard.
Put up an ad on craigslist, imploring for help against this clown crusade. Do full background check to make sure that they, themselves, are not clowns.
15. Keep windows rolled up at all times.
Some of these clowns swan dive at your car like they're Olympic finalists for swimming and diving. Keep windows rolled up always.
16. Take a picture.
For me, when approached by a clown, I know I'm a goner. You best believe I am snapstorying, instagraming, tweeting, and facebooking my encounter. If I'm going out, I'm going out an internet sensation.
All joking aside, friends, be safe out there. This is actually hella scary. Don't do things for the likes or the chance to go viral. Godspeed, fair maidens. I hope your days are clown-free.
