Vulnerability.

I despise this word.

If you know me, you know that trust is not my favorite thing to do. Even saying the word "vulnerability" makes my skin crawl. So, why write an article on it? That is a very good question, and I am not even close to knowing the answer.

I wanted to write about finals and light-hearted things this week, since it has been kind of an intense few days. This plan would have worked out perfectly if I had not felt this tick every time I tried to write that--my topic was all wrong. So, I finally stopped and thought "Ok. Fine. What do you want me to write about?" I immediately knew He wanted me to write on "Abiding in Vulnerability."

Vulnerability is one of the scariest words to me. Everyone has things they struggle with and this is mine. For a long time, I thought it was fine to not be vulnerable. (I want to clarify that vulnerable is not the same as being real or authentic.) I don't seem to have a problem being authentic with people. Actually, I try really hard to lose any facades I feel creep up, but vulnerability requires a whole different skill set that I do not yet possess.

When I googled the word vulnerability, the first thing to come up was "to be easily hurt or attacked." This is my first real issue with vulnerability. I think I see it incorrectly. I see it like this definition sees it. I am GOING to be attacked, when in reality, this is not it at all.

Psalm 129:33 "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts."

This is vulnerability to me; to be willing to be open and lay everything on the line. Yes, this means opening myself up for attack, but it doesn't guarantee it. Some people I know are extremely open, and are willing to be completely vulnerable with anyone--but like I said, I'm at step 1. Honestly, I am not even sure if I am ready for step 2. I think God is ok with that. I can not even comprehend His patience with me, and His love for me while I drag my feet, not wanting to jump into what I think will be cold water. I can say though, with total faith, that once I am vulnerable about something with my amazing Father, I see a new side of what it means to truly abide: what it means to truly live completely in Him. I cannot live all the way in Him if I don't let Him have every part of my being.

"Abiding in vulnerability": those words are such a beautiful goal. I think it's ok to have a beautiful dream that you aren't sure you can accomplish in this moment.

My goal of living transparently does not require me to leap. All I have to do is take a tiny step, because God loves even the smallest movements towards Him. He throws the biggest parties for just a millimeter of movement. So, this article is my millimeter for the day. I want to live in vulnerability with Him. In that place, I can fully surrender who I am and see the grace He has for me and the amazing journey He has planned for me.