If you watched the Home Run Derby, the Yankee game, or turned on SportsCenter in the past week, you know who Aaron Judge is.
For you cavemen that don't turn on a TV and would rather tan or whatever else outside people do, Aaron Judge is the new Home Run King. He tied Lou Gehrig (a baseball guy that the disease is named after) as the most home runs made by a rookie Yankee with 29 BEFORE the All-Star break. That means he's going to get more.
In the Home Run Derby, he got 23 HR's in the first round, and later on went to win it all.
Here are some things I would do to be as good at SOMETHING the way Aaron Judge is good at hitting Home Runs.
1. Give my firstborn to Satan.
Obviously, this is a given. Satan has been portrayed in movies and shows as being able to grant wishes for giving up the first born. To write or play sports as well as Aaron Judge hits homers, I would gladly cry into my millions about my first child gone to the Dark Lord.
2. Lick a homeless man's foot.
"Pain is temporary, money is forever" - Me, Right Now. Be grossed out, probably puke, then say hello to my talent.
3. Let a baby vomit on me.
If you know me, there are two things you know I hate: small children and throwing up. Small children bring germs, secrets that you really don't need to hear, and they just suck. Throwing up could be its own post about how much I detest it. Long story short, I'd let a baby puke on me for his kind of talent.
4. Listen to "Let It Go" on repeat for the rest of my life.
It's honestly not a bad song, but hearing "conceal, don't feel" for the millionth time could get annoying. Doesn't matter, I want to be good.
5. Look like the Welven Harris.
If you don't know who this is, research your memes. He's the "Deez Nuts" guy to you uncultured swines. I would be willing to look like Draymond Green put in horse dentures to be Aaron Judge talented.
6. Root for the Pittsburgh Penguins.
No comment.
7. I take number 6 back.
I just can't do it. I hate them too much.
8. Eat Arby's for a year.
Arby's is garbage and you won't convince me otherwise. I can't eat it for my entire life or I'd die five years in from the sewage they cook up. I'll do it for a year though.
9. Have my laugh sound like an actual donkey.
Easy trade-off, in my opinion. I just won't look at funny things. Problem solved.
10. Only be allowed to watch "The Office."
Not everything has to be bad. I'd love to watch my favorite TV show in order to be successful and talented. That's a no-brainer.
11. Be knocked out by Mike Tyson 10 times, at random, throughout my life.
Kind of like Slapsgiving in HIMYM, I would be living scared that at any moment I could hear a quiet voice with a lisp, turn around and wake up hours later with a nice bruise on my face. My only peace would be that it would be in the news. Because I'm famous and talented.
All jokes aside, Aaron Judge is a god. You're crazy if you don't want what he has, or at least the talent he has. Whatever woman (or man, I don't judge) he chooses to be his spouse is going to be living the high life for as long as that stud hits balls far.
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