Losing a parent is a forever life changing tragedy. I'm searching for reasons to soften the loss a bit but nothing I find is a good enough reason. My dad had stage IV cancer so his death was expected but not as soon as I thought it would happen. I, like most, thought that I'd have no regrets because I had time to say my goodbyes. When my dad passed, I was immediately flushed with regret and pain. Many think that when you know someone is going to die that the pain is less than those that don't see it coming. It's still very painful, just a different type of pain. To watch someone deteriorate before your eyes is traumatic. I watched my dad go through an "old man" phase but he wasn't even 60 yet. He used a cane and could barely walk, he needed help changing his clothes, and going up and down levels of our home. Every single time we heard a thump or bang, we'd drop everything and run to the sound to find our dad fallen on the floor or having one of his leg seizures. I lost the only man who respected me, supported me, and loved me unconditionally. I lost myself as a result. I think I still am lost, actually.
Every morning took my breath away:
I have insane, life-like dreams about my dad. I wake up with this daze and confusion, a skin crawling feeling. I slowly walk by my parents' room and see his side of the bed still empty. At that moment, my breath is knocked out of me and this nauseous feeling sets in. Just like the moment when we were in the hospice room and he left this world. Some days, I just keep going with my schedule of life. Other days, that daze is felt all day long and no matter what I do, I cannot shake it off.
People will overflow your bucket during the services but almost immediately stop after:
The minute my dad passed our home was an open house to mourners and just when we thought we could sit down, someone would come in. It was overwhelming at times. The day after the funeral one by one people returned to their reality. One less phone call each week; one less visit each week. But our reality had just set in; a new life without our dad. The days after the funeral is when our family needed the support.
People say the dumbest things:
"Don't worry, you'll get married and have a family one day. Your sadness will go away". Yes, I will forget about my dad and his passing will just "go away". *major eye roll* Some people are ignorant and rude and some of them think they are helping. People are probably trying to not weigh on the pain and make it feel worse but by doing that they don't realize they are invalidating my feelings. So please stop. Acknowledge the loss. Acknowledge the pain. I'm not looking for a solution. I'm looking to express my grief and feel valid. It's hard to be around someone grieving because you don't know what they want or need. Don't assume things, just simply ask.
I'm sorry I couldn't listen to your father, daughter stories.
My girlfriends would talk about their dads and I would blank out or go down memory lane. When I'd blank out, it wasn't voluntary. It just happened. And for that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I seemed uninterested. It's just so hard to sit there and listen to stories knowing that I won't be able to create new ones with my dad. Going down memory lane was bittersweet; stories that made me remember how much my dad loved me and then realizing that I'll only be able to feel that love in memories and not present day. Before sharing, ask if I have the mental capacity to listen because it gives me the chance to see if I can handle it or not.
Please, PLEASE don't tell me about your arguments with your father:
A friend of mine started to vent about their fight they had with their dad. I was stunned that someone could speak negatively about their dad to someone who just lost their dad. Pick someone else to vent to in this case. You still have your dad. You can call him, text him, and make amends with him. Not many of us can say that. It filled my heart with so many emotions. It made me so angry because what makes you think it's okay to vent to me about your dad? Then it made me hurt because I would think back to my stupid fights with my dad and how I wish I could just take back every little argument. Maybe down the line, I can be open to hearing it but for now, please be sensitive about the things you share to me.
Car rides:
My car has seen every tear; it is a sacred place for me. I can't wait to sit inside my car to just let every emotion out after holding it in all day. I play my dad's favorite songs and playback the time where he would be driving us around and belting out every verse. Or I'd listen to church hymns and hope that every prayer sung would help my dad go further into Heaven. My car rides are a safe haven because I don't have to worry about someone saying to "stay strong" or to "be happy that my dad is in a better place". I know that I can cry and not be judged or told to stop.
Dating is rough:
It is challenging to date after my dad passed. My dad was (is) my biggest cheerleader; he was (is) my go-to person for everything. I'm searching for a guy that will hit every box that my dad filled and I know it's not fair to men. I realize that one day I'm going to meet a great guy and he won't know the most influential person in my life and he never will. I quickly realized that the man who I'm with won't ever get the "okay" from my dad and that makes me close every opportunity to let love back into my heart. Until I make peace with that, I won't be able to fully, genuinely love a man.
I keep going because my dad kept going. Even though he knew he was dying and only had months to live, he never asked God why. My dad never took his anger out on us or walked around hating the world. So although some days are unbearable and my heart physically hurts, I suck it up and get out of bed because my dad did that and more. I live to keep his memory alive so please share your stories about my dad and speak his name. People get so nervous to say "Simon" or to share how much they miss him but those moments make me smile and feel good. I miss hearing his name and hearing his stories so please, share away.
