When I was 15 years old, I was talked into having sex for the first time. I had no idea what I was doing, and I had no idea what was going to come from it. Most people complain about their first time and who it was with, but I won't. This isn't that kind of post.

Anyway, I was 15 years old. It seems like so long ago. I was friends with so many people in high school that were older than me and they all had sex and they told me about them having sex, so when I got asked about it by a guy that I was comfortable around and that I liked and hung out with often, I said "sure, why not". I remember after it was over he left and went home, and as soon as he walked out the door I got on the phone and called my best friend at the time. I remember saying, "guess what just happened" and then I kept on telling her about the events that just occurred. When I got off the phone, I sat there and thought about everything. After I had really thought about it, the tears came flowing. I didn't really know why I was crying, but I was. Well, me being the self-conscious teenager I was, every time a guy came along and said that he liked me, wanted to be with me, or told me that I was cute, beautiful, or gorgeous I would believe him and we would end up having sex. These "associations" would last for a bit, and then eventually the words "I just don't want to be in a relationship" would come out.. At first I believed that, and then after a couple of them had started talking to another girl and then got into relationships I realized that statement was just their way of saying "I just don't want to be in a relationship... with you". It all was a terrible cycle that I didn't want to be a part of. I hated it.

When I was 16, about a year and a half after it all got started, I got matched up with a guy that I dated for a couple of months. It was nice being someone's girlfriend. I loved being in something stable. Well ultimately we broke up, so I was back being single. And once again I was in the situation that I had gotten out of for not that long. It was back to the cycle that I despised. About 7 months later, I posted my number on Instagram and I got a text from a guy that I didn't know. We talked for a bit, decided to date, and then we dated for almost 4 years. I was so happy to be out of the terrible cycle I was caught up in. I didn't really know how to act at first. I wasn't expected to do anything. Just be myself. He wanted me for me and not for the pleasure I could give him. Well long story short, we broke up. I was crushed after this, so what do I do? I throw myself back into that same old cycle that I had known all too well. This time though, I wasn't a teenager.. I was 21 years old. I could go out and get drunk and "have fun". I was meeting guys in different ways.. at the bars or through instagram, snapchat, facebook, tinder, etc. I would text them for a bit and then go hang out with them and would usually end up having sex and then never really hearing from them again. Me being involved in the cycle again lasted about 7 months.. ending on the night of my 22nd birthday. It was my birthday, and I wanted to have some fun, so I got someone to come over and we had sex. An issue had occurred a couple of times, but this time it was awful. (The explanation of this is for another post.) Anyway, what happened made me step back and realize that I wasn't behaving the way I should and that I needed to slow down. I was doing things that I really didn't want to do. I was so consumed with finding affection that I was doing things that I wasn't proud of. I stopped going out to bars, I deleted tinder, and I didn't really initiate messaging a guy. The couple of times that I did message a guy I said out front "I have a rule. No sex until after three dates." Me setting up this rule was great for me. I wasn't getting hurt as much, and I just felt happier with my life. I went a total of two and a half months without having sex. It might not seem like much, but it really was. During this hiatus,I had talked to a couple of guys, but there was one that I had actually got excited about and really fell for. Things ended up not working out, and at first I was really upset about it. I needed someone to talk to and I messaged this guy that I had talked to a couple of times about working out and losing weight and I felt like I could talk to. I told him what had happened and he sent me a wonderful message.

Here is some snippets of it: "From my experience here's what I can say: To hell with that dude and all dudes. If you want to attract someone who is going to love and respect you, the love and respect has gotta start within. Maybe this big turn you've made with your health has given you a new found appreciation for yourself and God is rewarding you by removing that dude because He knows that he is nowhere good enough FOR YOU! You're saying you're tired of "not being good enough for anyone to want to be with you" but that is wrong! They haven't been good enough for you."

Man, did that set me back while reading it. For a little over 7 years I have been looking at it all wrong. I have always thought I wasn't good enough. I have always seen it as me being the problem. But now looking back, what this guy had said was true. I always looked for someone to make me happy and make me love myself, but that's not right. I should be worrying about making myself happy and loving myself. I should be doing things to better myself. I need to step back and let love find me instead of me searching for it. I need to be the best I can be so I attract the best for me. So that's what I'm gonna start doing. I'm gonna worry about me and continue striving for me to be the best I can be, and I'm gonna stop worrying about finding a guy to be with. I'm done with the awful cycle I have been a part of for so long. I am changing my ways.. I'm taking this out of my hands. And maybe one day, God will send me my person. I just have to be patient and wait for him to come. And who knows, maybe I've already met him or maybe he'll appear when I least suspect it. We'll see.