If your struggle is bigger than mine, I will put you first. I will fight for you, and I will be there until the very end.

This makes self-care a difficult task.

I have never had healthy coping mechanisms for stress, lack of kindness in others, or for anyone who I loved going through any sort of pain.

I always expected myself to pick up the pieces.

I was the odd ball throughout school. I never wanted to spend time with kids my own age. I always got along better with adults. I spent any opportunity I could with my teachers, during lunch time.

I never fit in.

That was okay, though.

Not fitting into the perfect expectations made me more self-aware. It made me focus on more things that mattered. It made me see the true colors of the people who I thought were always meant to be in my life.

I spent my time writing, listening to music, and learning more about myself.

I was not fit. I was not an athlete. I always had this unsettling feeling.

I did not realize how many health issues would arise later down the road. I went through my first two years of college eating out every day.

2014

When I moved away to pursue the remainder of my undergraduate degree, I was still set in my ways of eating unhealthy, and making other unhealthy choices.

I tried at-home workout programs. I tried budget friendly eating plans. I tried expensive proteins. I tried hard to get myself in the right direction, but I was still overweight. My blood sugar levels were borderline diabetic. My clothing sizes were not what I wanted. My appearance was not what I wanted.

Attempting to make changes was a step, right?

After about a year of failed attempts to lead a healthy lifestyle, I moved away with my boyfriend. His years of consistently working out brought him to another local gym.

We spent countless times having conversations about how a gym atmosphere is not the same as a high school gym. I spent a large portion of my high school experience sitting on the bleachers, watching other kids play sports, because even the coaches made fun of me when I did something wrong.

2016

About six months into living with my boyfriend, I finally decided to take the leap and join the gym with him. His confidence in using the machines, and having a routine in hand was encouraging but I still had a long way to go.

I signed up for three months of personal training.

When the three months was up, I lost my motivation to keep pushing forward. I did not have social support to hold me accountable, at this point.

Going into the 2017 New Year I went on my traditional trip back home, and one of my friends was raving about this studio called Orangetheory Fitness. She told me that it was for all fitness levels, she was seeing results quickly, and that the first class was free.

I took another leap, and signed up for a free class.

I was greeted by a sweet sales associate, and an informative coach that morning. I could barely run a mile, at this time. Even on a treadmill.

I enjoyed the variety, in the workout. Half an hour on the treadmills, and half an hour on strength training, with the water rowers thrown into each workout.

I took the unlimited membership, and put my whole self into all of it. I began to get better every day.

After several conversations about nutrition, I began to take the next steps in my weight loss, self-care, and self-love.

I lost 20 pounds within just months. I began running 5K races. I took on the Spartan Beast. I did a Dri-Triathlon, I took a self-defense class, and I tried a free class at a fight club.

2017 was the turning point in my life.

I built friendships with the coaches, and the staff. I was eager to keep on bettering myself, and to keep on working out.

I felt as if I found exactly what I had needed for so long. I was tired of hitting walls. I was tired of others not seeing my potential.

The people I established relationships with at OTF helped me turn my life around in more ways than I can count.

However, 2018 took a bit of a different turn for me.

Although I found all of this happiness, met all of these amazing people, and had built such a great life for myself, I was still unhappy with another part of my life.

I was not where I wanted to be in my career. It impacted how I felt about myself. It impacted a lot more than I ever thought it would. I was a ticking time bomb, unsure of when enough was enough.

January and February are quite honestly blurs, for me. I hit a point where I was not myself anymore. I was picking up too many broken pieces for those around me.

I was unmotivated. I felt useless. I felt unchallenged.

I felt out of control of myself.

That is the worst feeling. Feeling out of control. I had been in control for so long, and then suddenly…

The Earth shattered.

The people who I loved and cherished over my year of transformation, I thought I was going to lose for good. The Earth was shattering, and re-shattering week after week.

I took my pain, my insecurities, and my ego out on a lot of people I love.

I lost weight from stress. I felt lost. I felt broken. I felt remorse.

That empty feeling made me realize I never wanted to feel that way again.

I hate that my boyfriend, and my best friends saw me at one of the worst points in my life, but I will forever be grateful that they did not leave when the Earth was shattering around me.

I only bring this aspect of my life into this transformation story, because it was a big lesson for me. It made me realize that I had to strengthen my mental health. I really had to start to push to take care of myself. I had to start being selfish, which was a foreign concept to me.

I needed fulfillment, and I wasn't getting that with where I was in my career choices.

After hitting rock bottom, I began to take the steps to find fulfillment. I took a new avenue in my career, and it made me realize that I cannot put a price on happiness.

Life is never easy.

Sometimes, you're going to disappoint the people you love the most. Since I am still working on the concepts of self-love, and self-care, I can hands down say that I disappointed myself the most.

I cannot thank my boyfriend, and my best friends enough for going on this roller coaster ride with me.

Things are finally rebuilding. It still pains me to think about how this year started, but in my journey of self-love, I am learning that I cannot be a prisoner of my past.

I'm not sure that I would want to be around myself if I were the significant other, or friend in this whole situation.

But, I'm continuing to learn and grow from those mistakes.

If I can give any advice with my fitness journey, it's to take care of yourself before anyone else. Strengthen your mental health. Keep yourself from getting sucked into negativity, and most importantly hold on tight to the people who care enough to stick around when the perfect storm hits.