I couldn't feel you, but I knew you were there. Brewing inside me. Becoming something, someone. I shut down. I didn't even know I could do that. I played the whole thing out wrong. I should've told someone about you before it was too late.
I wasn't ashamed, but just scared. Scared you'd be real. Something I would have to love so intensely. Something I knew could potentially hurt my heart with no control over it. No way to stop it. It wasn't the responsibility that scared me, but the connection I already felt to you. It was too strong. I knew I was already falling in love with this little thing growing inside me. I knew then I couldn't tell anyone else. Any little ounce of guilt from someone else or even support & you would've come to life. It wouldn't have been a bad thing, but I'm scared to bring something so innocent into my life of problems and pain.
.
.
.
I laid down on the table blocking out every voice that was explaining to me what was about to happen to me, to you. It felt like I was just on autopilot until I heard the sucking. I threw my arms over my face and began to sob. I knew instantly I made the wrong decision. I wanted you still. I loved you. I killed you. The nurse beside me held my hand & told me, "You are making the right decision don't be sad". She was lying. I could see it in her eyes. Just doing her job and trying to get through yet another young girl not taking responsibility for her skanky actions. The judgment was everywhere from all six eyes in the room. The scrapping began and I remember seeing stars and black. I couldn't take the sounds or the guilt anymore. I felt myself leaving the room. Leaving my mind. Finally, I would get some peace until I floated right back into reality. Opening my eyes to the bright hospital lights. The nurse patting me on my shoulder. My doctor just staring at me waiting for a response I presumed. I just laid there, and eventually, they all hustled out of the room. The job was done. You were gone. I stayed there for what felt like an eternity. I knew that if I got up it would really be over. There was so much blood. Was it yours or was it mine? My legs didn't seem to stop shaking for hours.
I'm so sorry for what I did to you. I almost wish I would've been brave enough to look at the ultrasounds. I've been praying every night for God to take this hurt away from me. The feeling in my stomach won't go away.
Did I make the wrong decision? I guess I will never know.