Where to begin... for the past three weeks, I have felt like i'm walking through a fog. Time has almost seemed to stand still, yet the days have passed and they've felt like months. I've tried keeping myself busy, distracted, I've even convinced myself that I'm perfectly fine, even when I know I'm falling apart inside. I've found myself laughing at something and almost text you about it, before I catch myself. I start scrolling through all our old photos and I begin to wonder if maybe I just care too much, and remind myself that you don't care at all.

It's been 21 days since I last heard you laugh at some stupid stunt I was pulling. 30,240 minutes since we last danced to country music in your uncles living room. 1,814,400 seconds since I heard you sigh and say "you know what sounds good? Some lemons and limes with salt." You always did have the weirdest cravings. I think what hurts the most is that I truly seen the best in you, every single day, and now look where I'm at... crying my eyes out at 2 AM.

I remember how happy I was when I was with you. How grateful I felt to have a friend who loved me so much that you willingly drove six hours into another state, just so you could be with me for my birthday. I had the kind of friendship you could only read about in books, we were inseparable. Those henna tattoos I gave us I always felt were so symbolic, because we truly were like the sun and moon. Polar opposites, but somehow we worked so perfectly together. You were my person.

I miss how every weekend we used to drive out of town to have dinner, get a strawberry limeade from Sonic, and then to mess around in Walmart. I miss how you would come and hang out with me for my entire shift at work, keeping me company. My boss asks about you and I don't have the heart to tell her that we're strangers now, so I just smile and say you're doing good. I remember your favorite color, your favorite perfume, your crazy landlord we hated, your order at the local Mexican restaurant, how you could never wake up to your alarms, how having your nails done made you "feel like a woman again," how you could eat an entire jar of pickles in a sitting. I remember all the stupid little things too, that your middle name is spelled incorrectly on your birth certificate, that your little brother used to have an obsession with cheese, and that you want a camo wedding and for all the wedding party to wear cowboy boots, an idea I despised and complained about, but knew I would do for you in a heart beat.

When things went sideways, you were the first person I wanted to call. When I sat on your bed and had a panic attack, you hugged me and rubbed my back. I could always tell when something was bothering you, when you were upset, and I always forced you to talk it out, because bottling things up was/is your specialty. I knew all your insecurities. I knew about your non-existent relationship with your dad and how you let it eat you alive, and I hope you always remember that it's his loss. You told me things no one else knows, and I with you. I honest to god, trusted you with my life.

I miss every little thing about you. All the fights, the arguments, the sleepless nights up laughing, the midnight Waffle House runs, the time you sang karaoke and jumped around on my bed. I miss who we were when we were together... who I was. I thought we'd for sure be in it for the long haul together. I seen you in my wedding, you holding my children in the hospital when their faces were still pink, my kids growing up with you there, and thinking of you as an aunt, your children as their cousins.

But I suppose I just wasn't as meaningful to you as you were to me, because you made it look so easy to walk away from an entire year and a half of memories. Your sister said I was being dramatic, that I was acting like it was a breakup, and truthfully? This is a breakup, only much worse.

I guess this truly is it. Usually we would have resolved things by now, but that's only because I would have apologized, even if I wasn't in the wrong. I always had to be the one to apologize though, didn't I?I'm learning not to hold on to things that made our friendship difficult, because that only makes me mad. I don't want to be mad. I want to be sad, so I can grieve. Anger is a fire that could burn forever, and I can't do that to myself. Grievance is a process all in itself, but it's easier than letting myself be angry for months on in. So, I'm remembering the good times, and letting the process run its course.

I miss you, but I'm accepting that you not wanting me to be a part of your life anymore, is what got us to this point to begin with, and... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if I ever let you down. If I ever made you feel like you were anything less than truly amazing. If I ever doubted you. If I ever made you second guess yourself. If I ever hurt you, I'm sorry. I've apologized for this all before, but I want to take the opportunity to do it again, because sometimes, I did take you for granted.

Drake said it best when he said "Some nights I wish I could go back in life, not to change shit, just to feel a couple things twice," I truly felt that. I know this is where our roads diverge, but I truly hope that one day, somewhere down the road when we're different people, more mature, we can meet again and become best friends all over again, making up for lost time. I love you always, and you'll always feel like a sister to me. I hope you make all your dreams become a reality, because you're such a hard worker, and so determined and I know you'll go far...Don't forget though, if you ever need me, I'm just a phone call away.

Love,

Haleigh xx.