Contouring: the makeup sensation that's sweeping the nation, and having women everywhere turn their faces into some weird color-by-number-looking creations in the hopes of getting a good selfie. Basically, contouring is the "art" of carefully applying darker shades of makeup on some areas of your face, and lighter shades on others, creating the illusion of shadows and junk. Allegedly you can slim parts of your face using contouring, because if you have a big nose, your options are either A. contour it, or B. become a hermit. Nobody wants to see your big honker. Your goal (before blending it all, of course) is something like this:
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But contouring isn't just for faces anymore! Although that's how it started out, thankfully the great makeup gurus of our age have figured out how to contour just about everything. So here are some other things you can contour, lest you look like a normal human being:
1. Your feet.
If there were an infomercial for this contour, it would feature a teenage girl at the pool with her friends, except she's wearing some clunky hiking boots. When her friend Brittany asks her why she's not barefoot like all the other youths, the girl would hang her head and reply, "I can't...my toes are just too fat." Then her friend would go, "Tiffany, mine are too! But with (head turn to the camera) toe contouring, I can slim my toes with just one easy application that requires an hour, a lot of bending, and an art degree!" Then Tiffany would gasp, learn how to contour her fat piggies so they become socially acceptable, and she would end up flaunting her perfectly made-up digits at the pool. Of course, now she can't go in the pool because the makeup would wash off, but priorities, people.
2. Your legs.
After you're done literally putting makeup on your feet, you can move on up to your legs. Because why get a spray tan when you can spend twice as long painting a bunch of stripes on your limbs and then blending them together like some sort of makeup da Vinci? I never leave the house without contouring my legs, because then I'd be just like the rest of you plebeians.
3. The back of your neck.
The infomercial for this one would be like, "I used to never wear my hair up because the back of my neck is just so ugly. But now, with neck contouring, finally I have a neck that I don't mind showing off in pictures!" This one is especially great if you're dating a vampire who doesn't mind the fact that you've popped your shoulder out of socket from trying to do this mess.
4. Your butt.
It's not just the cheeks on your face that have to live up to beauty standards.
5. Your breasts.
This one is just sorcery, honestly.
6. Your collarbones.
You've already ruled out the possibility of being able to go in a pool, wear any white clothing, or be in any environment over 68 degrees (lest your whole body melt off and puddle up around you) so why not contour your collarbones, too?
7. Your stomach.
Freshman fifteen? Baby weight? Food baby weight? Watch it all magically disappear after you contour your stomach and look at it from one very specific angle.
8. Your arms.
If your arms don't look like Michelle Obama's, get them out of my sight.
9. Your lips.
Nothing makes your lips look more kissable than a good contour. You can't let anybody kiss you, of course, because it would smear and then everyone would know you just have normal bourgeoisie lips.
So there you have it! Now you know how to contour literally everything. So get out there, spend $500 on makeup, brushes, setting spray and whatever else the Sephora employees tell you that you need to be pretty, and wake up at 3 a.m. every morning to start your beauty routine. Have fun!
