There’s winter. That cute thing that happens around Christmas that means you get to sit by the fire and drink hot chocolate, maybe even go outside and build a snowman if you’re feeling adventurous. And then there’s winter, which is something else entirely. Something evil that will bring you dangerously close to becoming a hermit and make you question how early settlers could have survived living in a place where the windchill can be 17 below zero, and furthermore, why they would want to. And why would you want to? Are you a crazy person? Or just a masochist? Both. You're probably both.
You will pass on fun things just to avoid going outside.
There are very few things worth walking through subzero weather for. Sometimes the dining hall isn’t even enough of an incentive, and you end up eating half a carton of goldfish and three pop-tarts from the vending machine for dinner. Desperate times, desperate pop-tarts.
You’ll alternate between being really cold and really hot.
If you’re smart (like me), you will plan for the frozen conditions you have to walk in by wearing layers upon layers upon layers. As many as you can fit under your before your movement becomes restricted. But if you’re dumb (like me) you will wear too many layers and be way too hot and die of heat stroke instead of hypothermia. I'm not sure if that's preferable. At least it's a varied suffering.
You might fall. You might fall a lot.
Stairs are especially treacherous, so watch out for those. And don’t let being indoors lull you into a false sense of security. People do not wipe their feet, meaning they track water in and create slippery surfaces. I move that we carpet every building in the winter as a cautionary measure.
The snot will freeze in your nose sometimes!
!!!!!!
The first time this ever happened to me I was really freaked out. But don’t panic, it’s not deadly. Just absurd almost to the point of cartoonish and kind of uncomfortable.
You’ll take off your coat when the weather gets above 20 degrees.
There is a thirty degree difference between negative 10 and 20 degrees (Math!) That’s like the difference between 40 degrees and 70 degrees (More math!), and that’s the different between long pants and shorts. So 20 above zero warrants shorts too, right?
You will have to fight an impulse to passionately hate anyone who lives in a warm climate.
It’s one thing if you are just hanging out in California, surfing and not contracting frostbite, minding your own business. But I do not appreciate screenshots of the weather or snapchats including the temperature. If you rub your warmth in my face I will rub my fist in yours. Pretty sure that’s’ how people fight.
You’ll have to remember not to wear glasses.
For those of us who are visually impaired, winter can create an additional set of challenges. Falling snow can seriously hinder your ability to see. Then once you finally get inside out of the practically hostile conditions, your glasses will fog up. How does this happen? I don’t know, ask a scientist. And while you’re at it, maybe ask him or her how many people suffer accidents as a result of foggy glasses. Cause I’m sure that number’s got to be in the thousands, at least.
If your hair is wet when you go outside, it’ll freeze and break off.
Okay this one hasn’t exactly happened to me. Or anyone I know. But I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.
You will have to accept that bulky is the new sexy.
It’s really hard to look cute in a parka. A puppy could probably do it. But you’re probably not a puppy, so you’re just gonna have to settle for being shapeless and twice your normal size for the duration of the winter. Sometimes in order to be warm you have to sacrifice being hot.
