1. Cutting your hair.
Leviticus 19:27 "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard."
Yikes, ladies and gents! It's best that you stop hitting up IG whenever you get a new haircut; no photo filter can save you from the hellfire you will be damned to. And trimming your beard? Forget about it! Hopefully, the ladies in your life appreciate a little bit of that five o'clock shadow, or rather, a lifetime of shadow. If you have already trimmed your beard or cut your hair in this lifetime, well, may God bless your soul.
2. Wearing an outfit with more than one type of fabric, owning a mixed-breed dog, having more than one type of plant in your garden.
Polyester/cotton blend? An abomination! You better go ahead and put that pleather jacket away too, girl. It won't look so good over that white cotton T-shirt when you're burning in hell!
Gardens are a beautiful thing. An array of colors, different types of flowers, and maybe even a tomato plant or two! Wait, hold up—stop right there. You better go ahead and pick just one type of plant. If your yard grows different produce or floral arrangements, you might have more to worry about than bunnies getting to your greens.
Labradoodles? Schnoodles? Corgipoos!? By owning a mixed breed dog, you have fallen into the category of sin listed above. Just look at how evil these puppies are.
3. Touching an "unclean" animal.
Leviticus 5:2 "If a soul touch any unclean thing, whether it be a carcass of an unclean beast, or a carcass of unclean cattle, or the carcass of unclean creeping things, and if it be hidden from him; he also shall be unclean and guilty."
Now, here is where it gets tricky. There seem to be a lot of things we can't touch, but unfortunately it doesn't get too specific. It's safe to say, though, that most household pets don't really understand personal hygiene. Hopefully, you haven't ever touched a hamster or any type of domesticated rodent, though. That's for sure a no-no. It's best if you just go ahead and cut off your hands to be safe, because that seemed to be a reasonable way to get around things like that back in the biblical age!
4. Touching a woman after she gives birth or allowing her to go to church.
Leviticus 12:2 "Say to the Israelites: 'A woman who becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son will be ceremonially unclean for seven days, just as she is unclean during her monthly period. On the eighth day the boy is to be circumcised. Then the woman must wait thirty-three days to be purified from her bleeding. She must not touch anything sacred or go to the sanctuary until the days of her purification are over. If she gives birth to a daughter, for two weeks the woman will be unclean, as during her period. Then she must wait sixty-six days to be purified from her bleeding."
You know what's even more gross than touching an unclean puppy? New mothers! There is nothing more revolting than a woman who has just given birth. In fact, she is so unclean because of this sin of creating a child that we must not touch her for 33 days if she has had a boy, and 66 days if she has had a girl! Better not let her in the church either, she could infect the rest of the congregation with her dirty, filthy sin.
She may look happy and loving, but she has committed an abomination!
5. Drinking wine in church. Wait, what?
Leviticus 10:9 "You and your sons are not to drink wine or other fermented drink whenever you go into the tent of meeting, or you will die. This is a lasting ordinance for the generations to come."
Well if this isn't the biggest dupe in the history of practical jokes, I'm not sure what is. Hopefully you'll "just say no" when the wine chalice is passed to you in church, you drunken buffoons.
Turn down for what?
6. Getting a tattoo.
Leviticus 19:28 "Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the Lord."
Unfortunately for all you white girls out there, this doesn't exclude your Pinterest found, Bible verse ink. This also adds some extra irony to the ever popular "Only God Can Judge Me" chest piece.
7. Going to church if you were born out of wedlock.
Deuteronomy 23:2 "No one born of a forbidden marriage nor any of their descendants may enter the assembly of the Lord, not even in the tenth generation.
We all know that children are always to blame for the actions of their parents, even for something that the child has no control over, like his own birth! If a child is born to an unmarried couple, not only he, but at least ten generations after him, can not step foot in the church.
8. Not being a virgin.
Deuteronomy 22:20-21 "If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the young woman's virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done an outrageous thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father's house. You must purge the evil from among you."
It would be ridiculous if women were allowed to have control over their own bodies, and a woman losing her virginity before marriage would only be her fault, as it obviously only takes one person to have sex. We can safely assume that every single person who condemns homosexuality remained a virgin until marriage, right?
9. Having a disability.
Everyone should be held responsible for their outward appearance. If you are deemed unattractive or have a physical disability, you could possible already have gotten the boot from Heaven.
Besides these listed, clearly those who feel so strongly about the sin of homosexuality have never had a bite of bacon or shrimp, right? Right!?
