Cats. Don't get me wrong, I'm a cat person. You can ask anybody who knows me. I'm 23, but in my soul I'm an old maid with a country cottage and 20 cats. However, as I sit here to try and write (try being the key word), I am interrupted by a poofy, floofy, white furball named Keigh. He is a ten-year-old, super selfish, super vain cat. So he has inspired me to tell you all the ways that cats can be the most annoying brats in the whole universe.
1. They meow incessantly when they're "hungry".
And I have hungry in parentheses for a reason. Some cats are always hungry, or at least think they are. The bowl doesn't even have to be empty, and they think they're going to die. Is there a bare hole in the middle of the bowl of food? Move a few kibbles over and your cat will magically be able to see food again.
2. You can never pet a cat the right way.
Never mind the million and one times you pet the cat's back and they liked it. If they're in a mood, and if you so much as stroke one hair on their back, they will promptly bite you. Wrongful petting will not be tolerated. Also, never under any circumstances ever should you pet a cat on its stomach, even if surrendered. It's a trap. You will get bitten or clawed.
3. They will always sit on you at the worst time.
Wearing black for a job interview? The white cat can sense it, and if you so much as touch your butt to a chair, they will be on you in a flash, prepared for cuddling. It's like black clothes have a cuddly pheromone. Wearing white on your wedding day? You really better hope you don't cross paths with a black cat. Bad luck doesn't exist, but black fur on your wedding dress would be a disaster. Have to pee? Don't worry – the weight of the cat on your lap should suppress your bladder. What about a computer or book in your lap? Cat is more important.
4. You can't leave anything important out.
Homework? Gnawed on. Clothes patterns? Shredded. Curtains? Scratched to pieces. Phone charger? Chewed in half. Socks? Picked up and moved by a cat who thinks he's hunting them. Not kidding on that last one. My cat actually does that. Nothing is safe. It all belongs to the cat.
5. You may have to play referee.
If you have more than one pet, you may get stuck breaking up fights. Some pet parents are very lucky and have several animals that get along. Ours are constantly at war. "Stop biting your brother!" "Quit being a spaz!" "No more rough-housing!" No, I don't have toddlers. Just cats.
6. You'll never eat, pee or sleep alone. Never again.
I have one cat who doesn't care about people food at all. The other comes running if I open a bag of chips or if I pop a bag of popcorn and demands I share it. Who did I grab this food for? Certainly not myself. If I go into the bathroom, one cat wants a drink, plus the privilege of staring at me while I urinate. It makes a lot of sense. And heaven forbid I sleep with the door closed. No way. Open up that door and let the kitties sleep on you. Your bladder will be a choice spot, as will your neck. Don't ask me why they want you to take care of them but also want you to suffocate.
7. Hairballs.
If you've ever seen a hairball, you know what I'm talking about. The term "hairball" is a misnomer. It will, in fact, look like a giant, pale turd. Upon closer inspection, you will discover that it is hairy, and it'll definitely be on carpet. If you don't have carpet, it will be on your favorite sweater.
8. They will probably be prettier than you.
I'm talking about this cat right here. Even hairballs won't stop them from one-upping you in the beauty department.
9. Finally, you will love them so much that you won't have it in you to be mad at them for the previous eight misdeeds.
Because they're just so dang cute.
