Draco Malfoy may have played it off like he was so done with Hogwarts, but it wasn't until he attended American university that he realized how good he had it at wizarding school. At least there were standards back home! Now life at school is an unaesthetic free-for-all run by muggles with no taste or propriety. How could he have bought into his parents' talk about "expanding horizons" and "being exposed to different cultures"? At any rate, he's here, and have no doubt: he'll be telling his father all about this particular "culture."

1. There are too many T-shirt giveaways.

What does Draco look like — a muggle? There’s no dignity in a shirt that reveals the elbows. Besides, he won’t be caught dead wearing any sort of school gear that isn’t flowing, black, or emerald green.

2. Procrastination is like the plague.

This never happened at Hogwarts; somehow things always got done (ahem, magic). But here, there are so many distractions! Emails about one-time-only activities. Hallmates paying unwelcome visits. And — what's that thing called — Netflix. It's like a whole other universe.

3. There are so many study breaks, he can't even study.

Sometimes he just finds himself at a food-filled common room without remembering how he got there. But you can’t blame him for it. I mean, how is he supposed to do a problem set when he’s inundated with notifications about donuts, bubble tea, poker, and karaoke only a five-minute walk away? Speaking of...

4. Free food is everywhere.

Cookies after lab. Pizza at the Wizards Anonymous meeting. A hallmate had a birthday party. Crabbe and Goyle have passes to all the eating clubs. Getting seconds isn't even a debate anymore. And the gym? It’s so close… yet so far.

5. There's never enough time.

This was never an issue at Hogwarts, but Merlin's beard, could Draco use a time-turner now. Between his classes and extracurriculars and weekly WA meetings, there's barely room in his schedule to expand his influence over the student body.

6. No more magic.

At least not openly, that is. What, do you expect Draco to fold his robes by hand? Ha! A little law never stopped a Malfoy.

7. Muggle language is absurd.

Draco actually thought some of the students in his precept might have been fellow wizards at first, because every time one of them shouted “Dab!” the rest would immediately throw their heads into the crooks of their elbows. He tried out the 'spell' on his roommate, and the results were surprisingly consistent...

8. Every single comedy group rejected him.

How was he supposed to know they'd already heard the "slither in" joke a thousand times? It hurts, you know. It really does.

9. Christmastime just isn't the same.

Where’s the snow that nearly reaches your knees? The butter beer and the trips to Hogsmeade? The never-ending feast in the Great Hall? Draco can’t even wear his classy winter fur cap here without getting stares.

As much as he hates to admit it, Hogwarts did have its charms. The moving staircases, the paintings that could carry on conversations... Even Potter and his gang were worth an interaction or two.

But his father will not hear about that.