Conversations are a part of our everyday lives. Some days we have invigorating conversations that give the rest of the day a brighter outcome. Other days the conversations are just so bland. Maybe somebody only talks about what interests them, or the way they respond to you isn’t very thoughtful. Maybe their tone of voice is harsher, or maybe they seem like they just don’t care. Since we cannot change the way somebody else speaks to us, how can we approach conversations and hopefully impact them for the better? In essence, how can we be conscientious conversationalists? Here are a few suggestions from my experience.

1. Look people in the eye.

I think this suggestion is pretty well-known. When you’re looking at the wall while you talk to them or letting your eyes move around the room, you’re communicating that somebody is of secondary importance. Granted, some people may use this tactic to purposely communicate their disinterest in a conversation, but that’s another story. If you’re focused on somebody, it communicates that you care about the conversation.

2. Don’t always relate someone’s experience back to your own.

While it’s good to find common ground, give somebody time to tell their story before you jump in with yours. Think about how you would like to be given the same attention and consideration if you were telling them your story.

3. Remember what people say.

Listen to details, kind of like in a classroom. How do you learn a subject? You don’t just hear the teacher’s voice; you listen to the meaning beneath his or her words. How do you learn about your friends and build relationships? You actually listen to what they are saying, not just nodding your head in response to some random sounds coming from their mouths.

4. Don’t try to manipulate the conversation to glorify yourself.

I have the hardest time with this one, especially when the opportunity is right there. You can make subtle remarks about doing well at your job, getting good grades in a class, accomplishing something big, having a certain type of guy or girl who is interested in you- the list goes on. While not everyone notices this tactic (especially if you have experience with manipulation), it is still an unhealthy habit. And those who notice what you are doing are not going to be keen on having many more conversations with you.

5. In conjunction with conversation manipulation, don’t compete with other people.

Just because they say something good about themselves doesn’t mean you have to remind them that you’re smart/talented/likeable as well. One-upping is pretty easy to catch when it occurs and, similar to manipulation, it doesn’t bode well with people.

6. Treat people as their own persons apart from your friends’ views of them.

I have had so much difficulty with this one. A friend mentions that this girl is a little abrasive or that guy is kind of a flirt. So when I speak with them, my perception of everything they do or say is tainted. While your friend’s estimation may be true, at least give that person a chance to prove themselves before you classify them.

7. Be conscious of your ability to focus.

Don’t talk extensively about something if that person is going to lose focus and do the “I’m sorry, what did you say?” True, they may need to work on being a better conversationalist, but all you can do is be the most conscientious person that you can be and accommodate to their level of conversing.