Alright, ladies...Monday nights...you know what that means. A new episode of The Bachelor, each new week filled with more drama, tears, and drinks than the last. If you're like me, a solid half of you finds the entirety of the enterprise to be garbage, but the other half is you is purely intrigued. So, ultimately, I find myself impatiently waiting for each new Monday night premiere. But here's what goes through my head during a typical, two-hour show.

1. "I'm too sober for this. I need a glass of wine before this starts."

Enough said.

2. "How does Olivia's face actually do that thing...where like...it's just so wide??"

No, really though. Olivia's face never fails to kill me. And even when I expect her to make weird faces, she goes and makes ANOTHER weird face that just blows my mind. Highest point of comedy in every episode.

3. "How could these women possibly become such good friends with other women they secretly want to kill? I would not be trying to make BFF's."

Everyone says they come on the show to meet their husband, not to make friends. However, if you look at any current Instagram account of a Bachelor contestant, all they're doing is posting pictures with the friends they made from being on it. Every. Single. Season. But honestly, if a girl really isn't there to make friends, all the other girls think she's a bitch. Like Lace, above. It's all a part of the competition. You have to kill your enemies with kindness, so that you can win a husband. Yes.

4. "I would be too socially awkward for this show. No, seriously."

For instance, I would have been the one with the unicorn mask stepping out of the limo. I'm seriously far too weird to ever consider being on this show. The women on The Bachelor were probably prom queens, sorority social chairs, and class presidents. They're outrageously sweet, not sarcastic, and ready to smile and laugh at anyone. AKA....I just kind of laugh due to their ridiculous sweetness. Maybe I'm just too bitchy. I don't know.

5. "Are you kidding me? Who gets to go on dates like this? It's a hot tub IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE."

In no real situation ever would I find myself going on a date like this. Helicopters, hot-air balloons, just the craziest things. All for a man who's dating 25 women at one time. So. Freaking. Romantic. Ladies, I don't know about you...but what about a road trip date? Or an amusement park? What about Netflix & Chill? I'd rather fall in love in a realistic way. Not so showy. I don't need a hot tub in the valleys of Cali.

6. "They're literally....so stupid."

Like, on a very real note, if I were the Bachelorette, I would mandate that every one of my contestants has a college degree. Not against people that don't have one, but that's what I want in a guy. Turns out, however, that there's no educational requirement for auditioning for the Bachelor. There is, however, a very intense STD exam, and a psych exam to confirm that a potential contestant isn't mentally insane. True, necessary, but...don't you want to make sure your wife knows AMERICAN GEOGRAPHY? C'mon, Ben.

7. "Who can actually afford all of these clothes?"

With all the cute rompers, ball gowns, and shoes, we might wonder: who the hell can actually afford to look this cute on the Bachelor? It's not a crazy question, however, Olivia might be lying according to professionals. Previous contestants have confirmed spending an easy 10 grand on their clothes, because even if a contestant is sent home the first night, she will still need ten weeks of casual clothes, formal wear, AND clothes for any destination-- from tropical paradise to glaciers. Cashing out 401k's and re-mortgaging houses are common....just to look good. Crazy.

8. "Is this real true love?"

This is a question I still don't know the answer to. More successful marriages have come from The Biggest Loser than The Bachelor, so I'm inclined to think that the love isn't successful when spurred from a reality TV show. Still, I'm somewhat a hopeless romantic...and I want to believe that this season will be the season where Ben finds real love. I'll be waiting and watching, regardless.