I would love to tell you I get excited going to the gym, but that would be a lie. I would love to tell you that when I’m working out, I’m having the most fun ever. That would also be a lie. And I really would love to tell you that after every workout, I feel like a new man. That would only be half a lie. Sometimes going ham on the elliptical is just what this guys needs.
I give to you eight things I would most certainly rather do than watch myself struggle through running a mile:
1. Listen to a Nickelback album on repeat.
Apparently, if you play “Photograph” backwards, you'll hear messages from the devil. Pretty scary right? It's even worse if you play it forwards.
2. Wait in line at the DMV.
Please pull a number...number 168...Now serving number 50. Great, I have to wait three hours to talk to grumpy employees who do not want to be there as much as I do. Hey, it still beats convincing myself that the stair stepper will be easy after eating Chipotle.
3. Get teeth pulled.
What's the difference between pain at the gym and pain at the dentist? The latter involves novacane, sign me up.
4. Take the SAT.
The standard achievement test for prospective college students that can make or break your path in future education. Just this small little test that teachers tell you gauges your intelligence for the rest of your life. Oh, take this or go run 4 miles at the gym? Ehhhh, how long was the mathematics portion again?
5. Accidentally like a picture while stalking your crush.
Lets admit it, we all take some time to look at a crush’s Instagram or Facebook pictures, only this time I'll accept the awkwardness of an accidental like if I can avoid some curls.
6. Get a face tattoo.
Getting a tattoo will usually take at least an hour, so you won't have enough time to head to the gym. And if you’re a creative visionary and bring your sketch -- solid two hours. Sorry gym, artwork is happening.
7. Watch “The Human Centipede.”
What better way to fill my free time than with a lengthy film? Try “The Human Centipede,” I’ll bet you'll be in too much shock to even pick up a set of weights. You will probably need two to three weeks to recover from the emotional trauma.
8. Go shopping with a girl.
Walking around Forever 21 and Urban Outfitters for five hours is more of a workout both physically and mentally than any arms day could ever be. Especially if she has to try on multiple outfits while you hold all the bags and have nowhere to sit. Is a couch in the back really too much to ask for?
I won’t sugar coat it, finding motivation to go workout is hard. But starting solid habits now, before the post grad life, will make it way easier in the future. Start slow and build up. No need to attempt a 5K the first time in the gym. Just whatever you do, don’t take mirror selfies while you’re lifting.
When you can’t deny the need to workout out any longer, check out The Red Bulletin’s article with top tips from fitness gurus Alsany and Sekou to teach you how to get shredded without ever stepping foot in that hell-hole called a gym. Check it out here.
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