This past month every time I look at my phone or open my computer, I am bombarded by pictures of friends hugging pumpkins and climbing ladders. Fall is upon us, and I am not happy about it. I do enjoy apple and pumpkin picking (I am not a monster), I just hate what they represent. Fall just seems like the ineffectual place keeper of the seasons - basically everything dies and the sun doesn't want to have to deal with that so it stops coming around as often.

1. It starts to get cold.

I don’t know who decided that we should romanticize cold weather, but I am pretty sure it wasn’t someone who actually had to take public transport to work or school. I don’t want to wear 16 layers of clothing just so that I can still feel my toes at the end of my journey – nor do I want to have to clumsily fumble with three layers while I try to use the washroom. Fall is when it’s too early to wear your real winter jacket so you just have to freeze for a few months. Unbearable, thy name be fall.

2. Germ season is upon us.

If you’re a human who deals with other humans (even I have to, and I am a hermit who lives on her couch) this is the season when everyone becomes contagious and being in public becomes like wandering a minefield. I don’t want sniffles à la Donald Trump to go with my presentations, thank you very much.

3. Pumpkin Spice alert!

Probably we are depleting the supply of pumpkins in North America. We need to be careful. What will Charlie Brown worship when we're done?

4. Winter is coming.

It is actually going to get colder! Need I say more?

5. Darkness

When you wake up it’s dark, and when you leave work it’s dark. The eternal damnation on earth (if it did exist) definitely begins in fall. Also why would you want to celebrate the advent of SAD (seasonal affective disorder?)

6. Limbo

Have I mentioned that the temperature has dropped? Well, while you’re trying to regain feeling in your extremities, let me just remind you that no fun winter activities are ready yet. No skiing, snowboarding, hockey, skating, snowman building, sledding, maple taffy, or using the outdoors as your beer fridge. You have to wait a while to get the fun out of the cold weather, so until then - bundle up my friends, and try not to cry, because your tears will half freeze on your face.

7. You have to carry way more stuff.

Mittens, hat, scarf, emergency flares. You have to start carrying everything around with you. It's no longer summer, and my brim-full purse can attest to that. The chances of you losing one of your pieces of cold fighting armour is also a constant threat to your existence. Life just gets messier in fall, you have to pack everything warm you own and trek it with you just in case.

8. Raking the leaves ... several times

If you have a lawn you're going to have to rake the leaves that, while they were still on the trees looked lovely, now sit there taunting you. And don't think that if you rake them early you'll be putting the chore behind you; you'll just have to rake again when the rest of the leaves fall. Jokes on you fall! I'm lazy af so I'm waiting until all the trees are bare (like my soul this season!)

If you are a penguin and have been offended by my post, I am very sorry. Otherwise, let's wait for summer under heated blankets with some tea.

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