Remember Snooki? She was the breakout star of "Jersey Shore," in that she’s most likely having a herpes breakout as we speak. In 2010, every human being in the country knew about her. In 2011, she wrote a book that was an honest to god New York Times Best Seller. In 2012, nobody gave a shit. It wasn’t because she had changed; it was because everyone stopped saying her name. Like Beetlejuice, she only showed up when you said her name. And like Freddy Krueger, she lost her power when you stopped remembering her.
Trump’s campaign is what would happen if Snooki never stopped being popular and then ran for president. They were both reality TV stars, and they possess the same skill set — getting attention. That means they possess the same weakness — lack of attention. Trump is nothing if nobody talks about him. Unfortunately, you can’t just not cover the Republican presidential candidate. But you still take his power away if you don’t use his name, even if it’s a very amount. Trump understands this as well, branding his political enemies with childishly simple nicknames like “Little Marco” or “Low Energy Jeb” or “Lyin’ Ted."
John Oliver got to this point with the #MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain campaign. But at some point, you get used to that alternate name. I compiled a list of my favorites. So instead of saying Trump, say:
1. Cheeto Jesus
This one actually came from a GOP staffer.
2. F**kface Von Clownstick
A gem from Jon Stewart, and my personal favorite.
3. Short-fingered vulgarian
From Spy magazine all the way back in 1988.
4. Antique doll-hair thief
Also from The Daily Show.
5. Sentient YouTube comment
From the wonderful Olivia Nuzzi.
6. Human dumpster fire
The implication of Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse’s excuse for not going to the RNC.
7. Blonde milk shit
That one’s from Mexican drug lord El Chapo.
8. Feckless blowhard
From the well respected Des Moines Register.
I get the irony of writing an article about someone you say should get less attention. But if we have to write, read or think about this sentient tangerine fruit leather, we should at least do it with the level of respect he deserves.
