Aunt flow. Shark week. Red tide. Whatever you call it, it sucks. Ladies--we all know how awful periods can be. They're inconvenient, annoying and straight up painful. Guys often ask what period pains are like, and it's not easy to explain. Here are a list of some things that I find are comparable to period pains.
1. A chainsaw ripping apart your insides.
Imagine a tiny chainsaw tearing your uterus apart. You've all seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre, right? Mother Nature revved up this chainsaw, and she's not afraid to let it rip. Throw in a tiny bomb and boom, you've got an idea of what cramps are like.
2. Getting kicked in the stomach.
Either you just got kicked in the abdomen by a black-belt, or you need to grab a heating pad ASAP. Not even the fetal position can fix this pain.
3. Grinding up your insides in a blender.
(Don't worry those are beets, not blood.) Picture a blender grinding your insides into a million little pieces. Then put them in a bottle, shake 'em up and put them back inside your body. Now you have an idea of what bloating feels like.
4. Straight up warfare.
People often refer to periods as "WWIII in their uterus", but I think this snapshot of the Civil War does a pretty good job explaining it. Your uterus is mad that you didn't want to have a baby, so it's seeking revenge.
5. Jurassic Park
Is that a T-Rex I feel? Nope, it's just my massive cramps. You try containing a bloated-dinosaur-uterus into jeans! I think I'll stick to sweatpants this week, thank you very much.
6. Crazy gluing waxing strips to your insides, and then (violently) ripping them off.
I'm not being dramatic. Every couple of months or so, you get hit hard with massive cramps. I'm talking debilitating, can't get out of bed, doubled over in pain, cramps. No heating pad, medication, or large pair of sweatpants can fix this pain.
7. Running a half marathon after eating Chipotle.
You know how you get that massive food baby after eating Chipotle? That's how your period can feel each day. It's like you can't digest that food baby for a week. Imagine that--a food baby for a week. Then on top of that, picture running a half marathon and then getting kicked in the stomach at the finish line.
8. An internal temper tantrum.
It's like a toddler not getting his Pixie Stick, but inside your body. No matter how much candy you feed it (the toddler and your tummy), the pain won't go away.
Periods are not all about moodiness and chocolate cravings. And you wonder why Whoopi Goldberg is planning on coming out with weed-induced products for women on their periods. Don't let the happy tampon commercials fool you, because periods are a product of Satan.
