If we’re being completely honest, I must admit something: I am basically the definition of the placebo effect when it comes to beauty. If you tell me something is good for my body or skin, odds are I’ll try it. I’ve shaved my face, taken a nap in cave of salt, submerged my face in a bucket of ice water, I even doused my feet in God knows what chemicals that made my skin peel for weeks. What can I say? I like to experiment with my beauty regime.

Because I am a college student, I’m poor and can’t afford to go the spa to feel better about myself. But I don’t want just your everyday spa treatment. I want the biggest and most bizarre things that money can buy. So while I can’t go out and get my vagina steamed (because let's be real, these things don't exist in the midwest), I can dream and write articles about the weird things I’m into.

1. Cryotherapy- The name has the word “cry” in it, and it’s highly possible that one would whilst standing in a chamber of -240°F. If you’ve ever wanted to know what it’s like to freeze to death but not actually die, this sounds like the right spa treatment for you. In all realness though, it’s supposed to be great for blood circulation and decreasing inflammation. Plus, I feel like it’s a great mental challenge, triggering those primal instincts to persevere and survive. Yes, someone died while doing this, but I still want to try it. I guess I’ll have to settle for doing the polar plunge.

2. Fire Cupping- On the contrary to the icy treatment of cryotherapy, we have fire cupping! This makes it look like you have giant pimples on your back, but I’ve heard from people that it’s incredibly helpful to reduce inflammation. This suction causes your blood vessels to expand, which can help blood flow. I basically want to have a dinner party on my back.

3. Fish Pedicure- Feet are disgusting, that’s that. But my feet? Don’t get me started on how much I despise them. I’ve tried everything from acid treatment to sanding them down with a buffer and while they’ve all helped in some way, I want to go further. What better way to do so than by having little fish nibble the skin off my feet? Of all the treatments I’ve included in this article, I think this one would freak me out the most because of how ticklish I am, and also because a living organism is literally eating the skin off my feet. Those little fishies seem to be content with the lives they’re living, so I guess we both win?

4. Vinotherapy- This one actually may be a complete joke but guess what? I don’t care, I still want it. Why? Because you get to bathe in actual wine. Okay, so it’s technically the residue of wine that they rub on you because the alcohol would dry out your skin, but it still sounds like a blast to me! If wine doesn’t float your boat, there are actually beer baths that exist, mostly in Europe. It’s supposed to regenerate skin and give hair a healthy shine. If you’re a beer fanatic or a wine mom in the making like me, these spa treatments seem like the way to go. Cheers!

5. Acupuncture- This one is actually quite common and many people swear by it, so I want to give it a try. Acupuncture is form of traditional Chinese medicine in which one sticks needles throughout the body to promote the flow of energy. I know, “the flow of energy” sounds a bit skeptical, but if there’s the slightest chance that pricking me with needles is going to help my bad lower back, I’m gonna take it.

6. Dead Sea Soak- This one is the most pricey, primarily because I, like most of us, can’t afford to drop everything and travel to Israel to float around in the Dead Sea. The salt in the sea is supposed to alleviate stress and pain (once again, anything for my lower back!) The negative ions in salt are supposed to purify the air, which sounds amazing. I’ve actually taken a nap in a salt cave before, which is quite relaxing, so I absolutely believe that salt can heal me instead of making my food taste better. Just make sure you don’t have any cuts or anything because that would hurt like a bi***. I could just imagine myself floating around after finals week, but I guess I’ll have to settle for salt lamp instead.

7. Sensory Deprivation Tanks- This seems more like a mental challenge rather than a spa treatment. After finals week, I could definitely use the time to cleanse my mind. With sensory deprivation tanks, you float around in dark chamber that is sound-free. You are deprived of our most reliable sense (sight) and you’re left with your thoughts. This can be scary, but it seems like a spiritual and riveting journey that I’m ready to take. For a short amount of time, you’re away from the screens and stress of everyday life and are left to tap into your soul. Oh, and you’re also 100% naked.

8. Vagina Steaming- Alas, we have come across the most bizarre in my opinion, the V-Steam. That’s right. You steam your vagina. This ancient Korean treatment is supposed to cleanse your vag and decrease your menstruation flow. You basically sit on top of a stool that resembles a toilet while a pot of hot water and herbs steams from below. You literally just sit there with your poo-nanny exposed and let the steam do its thing. This is said to help uterine fibroids, relieve symptoms of menopause, maintain a healthy odor, and regulate irregular menstrual cycles. Plus, you can take your friends with you! Friends who V-steam together, stay together.

Which one of these beauty treatments would you try?