It's Thursday, February 9th. I have just eaten my usual from Taco Bell. I'm sitting in movie theater room one, which any cinephile knows to be the largest theater reserved for only the biggest releases. Tonight's showing: Fifty Shades Darker. Stomach full and reclined in a seat in the dead center of the theater, I am ready to be awoken sexually for the second time. Here are the thoughts I had watching Fifty Shades Darker:

1. There is one man sitting alone in this theater so far. Mad respect.
2. Oh, wait. Yup, here comes all the women.
3. Two men in business wear just walked in and sat in the front. Never mind, they just left.
4. Okay, here we go. It's happening. Everyone stay calm.
5. Little Christian! Starting it out with a flashback. It’s serious now.
6. Don't throw those flowers out, Anastasia. Do you know much those cost?? Some people just want to watch the world burn.
7. Yes, Christian, rock that black peacoat/gray sweater combo.
8. That's right, Ana, call him out on his weird kink.
9. I don't like the term ‘vanilla’ relationship. It ruins vanilla extract for me.
10. Ana likes his beard. Same Ana.
11. Jack's pretty creepy, but he's hot so it's okay.
12. Jealous Christian...I'm into it.
13. Quit being a f**king tease, Anna. He has a knife in his hand.
14. Alright, here's the first sex scene. Gear up, b**ches, it's happening.
15. Did she just say ‘kiss me’ in reference to her vagina??
16. Where the FUCK is his head? How’d they film that? He’s a father of two, and a husband of one.
17. I think I just exploded.
18. He needs to sit up more, or else he's gonna choke on his orange juice.
19. $25k every 15 minutes?? Okay, Christian.
20. Did she really just tear up a check for $25k?
21. Lay into him, Ana! Speak your mind. Be the savage you were born to be. #womeninpower
22. Christian just said "girlfriend." #DTR
23. This hairdresser looks like Drake.
24. A classic anal joke has everyone laughing. Even the man down at the front.
25. This ball scene is 100% Twilight on steroids. Walking into prom like WUT?
26. Ooookay, Nick Jonas. This song's got my booty POPPIN’.
27. Her undies are hella cute.
28. These sex scenes have me FEELING SOME TYPE OF WAY.
29. I wish I had a boat.
30. How's that lipstick still on him? He went a whole day and had sex with that still on him. I call a fault in the plot.
31. This boat shower is nicer than the entirety of my apartment. I mean, I live in a s**t apartment, but still.
32. Alert the presses: Christian make a joke.
33. Zayn's music over here giving me anxiety with that f**king falsetto.
34. Jack is the definition of a man scorned.
35. Hello, Mrs. Jones, nice to finally meet you a movie late.
36. Christian’s looking fine as hell with that white shirt rolled up.
37. That's not what I imagined nipple clamps looking like. I was thinking jumper cables, but softer and smaller.
38. These sex scenes are coming at me left and right. I need a chance to breathe between them. (Bad use of the word coming.)
39. Oral count: 4
40. Dakota is less naked in this movie, so that's cool. Definitely more oral, though.
41. They're communicating. I like it.
42. Yeah, Ana, BREAK JACK'S F**KING FINGER!
43. Christian asking her to move in with him is the cutest thing ever.
44. Man, I'm lonely.
45. Ana's at dinner celebrating her promotion, but in five minutes, she's going to be touched sexually in an elevator.
46. BREAKING NEWS: Not even Christian Grey can make the word ‘panties’ sexy.
47. Where is she getting all these cute, black undies? blackundies.com?
48. She's breathing too heavy for that elevator.
49. His suit looks soft. Is that what money can buy?
50. Gunfire! Holy poop!
51. Every time they say Taylor I just think of Corinne from The Bachelor.
52. Ana's been walking around in the rain for three hours, and her jacket is hardly wet. Something’s not right.
53. Jamie is really fighting back that Irish accent. Let it flow. Doesn't he know accents are sexy?
54. He's submitting currently. He’s on his knees. Sub-Christian has arrived.
55. The truth has been revealed! Yes, people, Christian whips girls who look like his mom. It's out. We all know it. We're moving through it together.
56. She's touching his chest. Their love is blossoming.
57. I'm not even phased by Dakota Johnson’s boobs. I know hers as well as I know mine, and that’s really beautiful.
58. I can hardly do two push-ups, and Christian is currently balancing his entire body on his arms.
59. I want to get lost in the valley of his back.
60. He's asked her to marry him twice and in very endearing ways. She's said no twice. How dare she?
61. In what world would a sidewalk kiosk have a gift box?
62. That umbrella is the largest umbrella I've ever seen. Ten people can fit under it.
63. Her PJs look very soft. The same cotton that made those PJs also makes money.
64. Look, this isn't supposed to be a comedy, but I'm lowkey laughing at the helicopter crash.
65. 10/10 would bang Elliot.
66. He just survived a near death experience and is trying to play off as "'nothing but a flesh wound."
67. Wow, two jokes, Christian. Kudos.
68. Mrs. Robinson looks like a beehive with a face. Wait, did I just hate on a woman?
69. Ana's red dress is absolute goals.
70. Martinis: Great as a natural highlight. Ask Mrs. Robinson.
71. The total amount of money I will make in my life is the same amount that her ring costs.
72. Jack stalking Christian’s birthday party is the exact same thing Victoria did at the end of Twilight, smh.

So yeah, all in all, it was pretty bangin’. Pardon the bad pun. Highlight: Christian Grey's sexy body. Only criticism: The John Legend song on the soundtrack was nowhere to be found in the movie.