The Eastern seaboard is facing record storms this year, and every year many injuries and deaths occur as the result of the cold temperatures throughout December, January and February. With that in mind, here's a list of things you can do to prevent hypothermia and stay warm throughout the winter season.
1. Warm yourself with the ashes of those who have fallen before you
Though the great frost will eventually consume us all, this is a simple and sustainable way to save on heating bills this winter. Just remind yourself, "It's what they would have wanted."
2. Star in the 2008 cult comedy classic 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall'
Jason Segel, Kristen Bell, Mila Kunis and Russell Brand -- what more could you ask for? Certainly not the cold, as this rom-com takes place away from the hellacious frost of winter in the great state of Hawaii. Aloha!
3. Use Fahrenheit instead of Celsius when measuring your body's temperature
One quick way to increase your body's temperature is by converting from Celsius to Fahrenheit. You won't see this tip on Oprah Winfrey's show!
4. Become the legitimate heir to the Burlington Coat Factory fortune
With over 500 stores and a stock price that's doubled over the past five years, Burlington Coat Factory stock would be an excellent and safe investment if you were looking to diversify your portfolio. Alternatively, you could marry into CEO Thomas Kingsbury's family and enjoy a lifetime of financial stability and warmth.
5. Remind yourself that, come March 1, the seasons are legally required to change
This one's buried deep in the law books, but legal eagles will surely remember this law passed by Congress after illicit Groundhog Day betting turned deadly. If you can survive until then, you will be rewarded with a bountiful harvest in the springtime.
6. Replace all of your blood with Swiss Miss hot chocolate
Since you can buy 39.4 ounces of Swiss Miss hot chocolate at WalMart.com for $5.98, this is an affordable way to make sure that your body is always warm during this season of the sun's hibernation.
7. Hire George Washington to help you cross the Delaware River
When you need to attack German Hessians after Christmas, you don't call an Uber or swim across the river -- you hire George Washington. Ol' George knows how cold the water gets during the winter, so I'm sure he'd be willing to lend you his boat to help you cross it. Just put gas in it afterwards, please!
