In life, a lot of folks are gonna lead you astray and try to take advantage of you. Fruit are no different. In fact, one could make the argument that fruits are perfect analogies for the human condition, sweet and ripe things living in a world where their only purpose is to be born so that they one day may die.

So here’s The 7 Fruits You’ll Meet In College!

(arranged by trustworthiness)

1. The Apple

Aw, the good old apple. Reliable, loyal, and an all around good time. The apples of your life are always there for you, always ready to lend a hand and assure you that life’s gonna be okay. That is, until they drop onto your head and reconfigure your entire brain structure. We in the business call them “Steves”. Never trust a Steve.

2. Pineapple

Fun, feisty, and always up for a party. They may seem prickly and distant on the outside, but once you get to know them, they’re sweet as can be. Just be careful you don’t upset them before you know their emotionally vulnerable side. A recent study showed that 75% of pineapples know jujitsu. Be warned.

3. Carambola

More popularly known as the “starfruit”, these guys are the underdog. They’re quiet, sure, but once they open up, it’s a flavor explosion in your face! They also have a criminal record. Just saying. They’re not allowed to apply for a loan or rent an apartment. I'M WARNING YOU. DO NOT LET A CARAMBOLA CO-SIGN LOAN. IT IS A TRAP.

4. Juicy Fruit

Not a real fruit and they suck after five seconds. They’re not real friends. Get rid of them immediately.

5. Apricot

They’ll steal your girlfriend and your credit card information. Apricots are thieves and swindlers and have no respect for anyone. I know. I had this friend Kevin who was a real apricot. He always made fun of my glasses. You think they’d be nice and soft, but no. They’ll screw you over harder than the American people screwed Al Gore in 2000. Avoid at all costs.

6. Pomegranate

There’s a reason they’re associated with death. They’re perfect and sweet and nice and get good grades and are friends with everybody. Just thinking about people like that makes me want to chug a gallon of bleach. Ugh.

7. Newt Gingrich

Looks like a moldy peach, but lets you cheat off him in calc. B- friend.