It's embarrassing that I imagine myself eating a Jimmy John's sandwich for dinner and all alone on Feb. 14. Meanwhile, my friend is eating a free, fancy dinner, gets too much chocolate, some jewelry, and... yeah, you know how the rest goes. This is my way of saying I'm borderline jealous/bitter, but thanks to cheesy Valentine's Day cards, I can get a laugh out of it.
Neville, Harry Potter's Finest
How does Neville - out of every guy character in the "Harry Potter" series - become the attractive wizard years later? Puberty can do some crazy stuff; like throw baby fat off the scale while you continue eating Bagel Bites every night and laughing at the thought of going on a run to "burn it all off!" Transforming Neville into a complete babe is definitely beyond hitting the peak of puberty. The only rational conclusion would be that Hogwarts' multitude of potions helped him out. Sneaky Neville, share the secret! We all want to be hot with you.
BeyonSAY
Woah, calm down. Don't go "Superbowl She-Hulk Beyoncé" on me. And, where the hell are your teeth? *Sigh* I'm sorry, but I won't say it as long as BuzzFeed keeps the SuperBowl image online. Seriously though, how many reps did you get in before that show?!
Dumbledore, Harry Potter's Not Finest
Albus, didn't you go out old and alone? Yeah, okay. I was just making sure.
Tina from "Bob's Burgers"
I love Tina from "Bob's Burgers"! Only Tina can make a terrible, cheesy Valentine's Day card look so damn smooth. She's both hilarious and awkward. You really can't help but become a Tina fan. "I've logged over 3000 fantasy hours on my relationship with Jimmy Jr., you don't just throw that away." – wise words from Tina
Obamaself
Remember when 51 percent of America was like, "OBAMA, YES!!!" in the 2012 election? Good times, Barack... But yeah, it's 2015, dude. Gotta' get over it. Time to move on. I know, I know, you feel "alone". What? No, they don't hate you!... Okay, I lied - some people despise you and you're on The Onion. Sooo, yeah.
Gogh Out With Me
Vincent, you look good and all - but, *honesty hour* no I will not "gogh out" with you. You are always depressed over "The Starry Night", which is the most bada$$ painting you made - not to mention, you made it in an insane asylum (borderline creepy)! I painted my own version of "The Starry Night" in 2nd grade; I honestly don't remember it, but I bet it looked like crap. Perk up, you old fart.
Xoxo T-Swift
Why are you making that face? Yikes, put it away. Please. And two weeks is a long time, Taylor. I don't think you could do it.
Side note: Your songs are extremely catchy. I kid you not, I'll be in class and start zoning out, then "Trouble" goes on repeat in my head. I know I'm not alone when I say this, but it takes "annoying" to a completely different level. The catchy lyrics are kind of corny; it is mortifying when clichéd, country-pop lyrics are stuck in your head. Also, we've heard you live in concert, aaaaand we've heard your recordings on iTunes. SMH.
