Third-wave feminism is under a tireless attack from anti-feminists and good church girls. It's time to establish what a feminist is and what is it that feminists are, in fact, allowed to do. Make no mistake anymore; feminists must be bra-burning man-hating lesbians. Don't dare call yourself a feminist if you...

1. Want to get married

No self-respecting feminist wants to intertwine her life with that of a male. Men are absolutely atrocious and it's not the fact that white feminists want to ignore race and class that is making the feminist movement regress to its 1950s platform. It's most definitely the fault of heterosexual marriage and all real feminists know that.

2. Are Heterosexual

Don't even think about being straight. It's a known fact that all feminists are lesbians. Why else would they be feminists if it's not because they can't get a man?

3. Are pretty

A woman's worth and ability to maintain a relationship is situated in her physical appearance, obviously. That's why no feminist can "get a man" because they're all ugly.

4. Want to have kids

Having kids is just playing into a patriarchal ideal. Besides, feminists aren't allowed to have kids because feminism is definitely all about policing the choices a woman can make concerning her own uterus and reproductive health.

5. Don't dress provocatively and don't enjoy casual sex

Feminists are only allowed to have casual sex because obviously, that's empowering for all women. If you happen to dress conservatively because of a religious ideal or for personal comfort, you can't call yourself a feminist. Remember, feminism is about upholding a white, western ideal, and that ideal dictates that you have sharp eyeliner wings and crop tops on at all times. If you're uncomfortable with that, you're not a feminist.

6. Enjoy the company of men

As a feminist, it's illegal for you to have male friends or to interact with male coworkers. If you don't spit on every man you see, how can you even call yourself a feminist? You want to talk about toxic masculinity and dissect the way the patriarchy confines men to solely emotions of anger and lust and how that affects both male and female gender roles? Excuse me??

7. Wear a bra

All feminist initiations begin with bra-burnings, didn't you know that already?