Things I hate about college:

1) I’m living in a building with a bunch of dumb asses. I’m surrounded by dumb asses constantly. There is no safe space in the comfort of my home when I could be alone with my dog and not be surrounded by dumb asses.

2) I don’t feel the need to greet you everytime I see you just because we live in the same building. It brings on too many fake responses. For example, if someone says:

“Hi how are you?”

I would want to say:

“Well I failed to do my 4th project, my family hates me cause i’m probably dropping out, I am spending more time eating than I am doing work, and my GPA represents the intelligence of someone who works at 7/11 and drives around with a confederate flag on their truck. How the fuck do you think I’m doing Chad ?" But I really say: “Good! How are you?” Small talk is annoying bullshit that I feel is unnecessary because I honestly don’t care how an exercise science major who is battling his 5th STD named Chad is doing.

3) I am sick of eating buffet style every night. It makes me feel like I am living at an Old Country buffet and it is causing me to resort back to my prepubescent chubby 5th grade body and that is just depressing.

4) The mix of highly unhealthy fried foods and crippling stress is not a good look for my skin. Some days My acne makes me look I am a poor homeless peasant boy in the 18th century who got diagnosed with smallpox.

5) The pregame is so much better than the party. I hate getting all pumped to go to a party and taking shots left and right like it is water and then getting to a party and it ends up sucking. When you walk into a house and see a bunch of white kids grinding on eachother while Closer serenades them as they dry hump their way to syphilis, it is upsetting. I just don’t get how people like rubbing on each other when they are sweating more than I did when I first had to run the mile in 5th grade and was on the brink of diabetes. College parties can often consist of a gross shitty swamp of people that I don’t respect.

6) I thought college is supposed to make you smart but I have never felt more dumb.

7) If you don’t go to college people think you are a loser. But I’m sure, if I didn’t have a degree in four years and Thad did I would still have a higher IQ than him. There are a lot of Chad’s in college. A Thad by definition is: an exercise science major who only thinks about the triple B: booze, bitches, and beef. If I could skip out on four years of swamp parties with my fellow Thad’s. As well as embracing a diet similar to that of a regular TGI Friday’s customer, I would not be mad.