Disclaimer/Trigger Warning: This article contains content that may be triggering to those recovered from or dealing with an eating disorder.
February 22-27 is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. As someone who has recovered from Anorexia Nervosa, this is a very important time for me to share the struggles of the disorder with those who may not know much about it, and a time to share the joys of recovery with those who need it. This week is also around the time of year that I started my recovery process 3 years ago. To celebrate, I'd like to show you the ways that life changes after recovery, because "if you're not recovering, you are dying."
1. The calculator in your head stops.
When in the throes of your eating disorder, numbers consume your life. Any food you eat is just an amount of calories, the walk to class is a calculation of how much you'll burn, and your weight is constantly in mind. When you recover, that changes (with time). That spoonful of peanut butter isn't 95 anymore, it's just a spoonful of peanut butter. When your friends ask you to walk to the park, it can be an enjoyable day, and not a scramble to burn off that said spoonful of peanut butter. And the number on the scale goes away. Seriously, even when you're weight restored and maybe allowed to own one again, throw it out. And never look back.
2. You look healthier.
This one is tough for most recovered anorexics, as you assume that "looking healthier" means "looking heavier," which, in our minds, means "fat." But with time, I have come to see the "You look so much healthier!" comment for what it's worth. When anorexic, my hair was falling out in clumps, my fingernails were flaking off, and my face always looked sunken and yellow. With recovery and NOURISHMENT, my hair is waist-length and strong and my fingernails are able to handle a coat of red polish. Plus, with proper nutrition, your body develops a glow that can't be rivaled by ANY Sephora highlighter.
3. You can ENJOY food.
Food related anxiety will probably exist for most recovered anorexics for the rest of their lives. It is a daily struggle that is made ten times harder by the fact that no one can actually see what you're going through. But, that being said, recovery comes with coping skills to push through that, and food can become an amazing part of life. There's nothing I love more than a day out to my favorite vegan restaurant. Food can be an art form, a way of communication, and a show of love (like your grandmother's homemade chocolate-peanut butter icing), and with recovery, you can learn to appreciate and enjoy it and let it be a positive part of your life. Cheers!
4. You find things to love about your recovered body.
Probably the hardest thing about recovery (for me, at least) is facing your weight-restored body. It's hard to look at yourself and see anything good. It takes a lot of time and positive thinking, but you can learn to love yourself again. I have been learning to embrace my curves, and find things every day to love.What helps me the most is dancing to 'Anaconda', which wouldn't be half the fun if I was still 105 pounds.
5. Your relationships improve.
When dealing with an ED, it's so easy to isolate yourself. You feel that no one understand what you're going through, and your mind is so taken up with the disorder that you feel like you can't focus on anything else. So many of my relationships were strained during my anorexia. My friends felt helpless in dealing with me and I was constantly furious with my mom for trying to get me to eat. After recovery, I got to stop being a slave to my disorder and re-enter society. Nothing feels better than reclaiming relationships with people that you love and seeing them bloom. (P.S. Thank you friends for standing by me and showering me with love, even when I didn't return it very well. P.P.S. I love you, Mom).
6. Your body constantly amazes you.
When your body is under the strain of anorexia, you are frail. I had to sneak onto my school's elevator for months during my sophomore year because I physically couldn't walk up the steps. Doing any physical activity was SO hard, and you could forget about sports. But a body that is properly nourished and full of energy is absolutely ASTONISHING. Perhaps my appreciation for it is heightened because of my history with my ED, but I am STILL in awe at what our bodies can do. So, recover and then climb a mountain, run a 5k, become a yogi, or just walk up those stairs that you couldn't before. Trust me, it feels really good.
7. You know that you can get through anything.
When you fight and win against a disease with the highest mortality rate of any mental illness, you know that you can do absolutely anything. Recovery is still the hardest thing I've ever done, and my eating disorder still affects me every day, but I am confident in my strength. I know I can conquer anything that comes my way. So, if you're reading this and scared to get help, know that life is SO MUCH BETTER when you aren't being controlled by anorexia. And, if you're reading this as a survivor, know that you are one of the strongest people in the world, and congratulations!
If you think you or someone you know has an eating disorder, visit the National Eating Disorders Association website at http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org to learn more. Or, call the NEDA hotline at 1-800-931-2237.
