Being clean is hard, right?

I have been informed that being clean is actually not that hard. OK, maybe it's only hard if you're lazy. And a little gross, characteristics which I myself proudly possess.Those who are afraid of their own impulse to live like marginally more civilized pigs would tell you that these are shameful qualities. That having a room that looks more like a post-apocalyptic dump than a place fit for humans is a bad thing. But even I can admit, that I have had moments when it becomes a bit absurd. When I've looked down at the mess around me, then into the mirror in abject horror, realizing that the creature staring back at me is the one who has produced this environment. This, my fellow-piggish comrades, is an example of one of the signs. It's probably time to clean your room.

1. You've lost your floor.

It's been so long since your floor has seen the light of day that you've forgotten what's underneath. Carpet? Not hardwood. Probably. Or maybe tile? No, wait, there's some shag car—oh. Nope. Never mind. That's a cat.

2. The surface that has become your new floor is trying to kill you.

Everyday's a game of "the floor is lava!" When getting ready in the morning you have to factor in the extra time it's going to take you to maneuver your way from your bed to the bathroom without tripping over a suitcase that's been living on your floor since Christmas break or slipping on sheets that haven't been clean since your mom washed them for you. It's like a maze! What fun! Until your foot gets caught on a scarf hanging from your chair and you almost face plant into your hairbrush, giving yourself some accidental acupuncture.

3. It's aliiiiiiiive.

So maybe a scientist could come in and scrape a coffee mug by your bed and find a new species or two. So what? Mold won't kill you. In most cases. I mean don't, you know, eat it or anything. But it might be time to wash (throw away) your dishes once it ceases to phase you entirely. When the microorganisms you've grown become less of a nuisance and more like roommates. When you pick up a bowl and instead of cringing at the smell, you spend a minute or two marveling at the colors. Maybe you even take a Snapchat and caption it "You might say I'm a 'fungi.'" You have my permission to use that.

4. The line between dirty and clean clothes becomes blurry.

Now instead of looking for clothes in your closet, you go straight to your laundry basket. Or laundry pile, really. The laundry has long since overwhelmed the basket. But as long as the smell is contained, you're fine. Just take a couple of car air fresheners and toss 'em on in there.

5. The line between garbage and non-garbage is also unclear.

There's no way of knowing whether or not that saline bottle on the floor is empty or not until you pick it up. Things fall down sometimes. Who has the time to pick everythingup? And forget about having a moment to throw things away. To get to the garbage can you'd have to, like, get up. If you pause "The Office" to go toss a banana peel in the trash, the timing of Michael's "that's what she said" will be completely thrown off and it won't even be funny anymore. So throwing away every little bit of waste is just not worth it. It could also be argued, however, that you could save time in the morning by not having to sift through six empty tubes of decoy mascara before you find the real one.

6. Stickiness.

I wouldn't look into this too deeply. Chances are you won't like what you find. Just throw some Clorox on that shit.

7. You find yourself relating to Oscar the Grouch more and more every day.

Living in a pit of garbage begins to take a mental and emotional toll on a person after a while. The moments when you shout at your friends to stay out of your room because you're ashamed, you start to feel your inner-Grouch stinking through. And if that's the character on "Sesame Street" you find yourself emulating, you might have a problem. Or watch the show "Hoarders." This is your future, my friend. Sure you get to be on TV, but at what cost? So clean your room. Before you start to resemble the hairy green monster that you are on the inside.