Good day, future chattel of my realm. You may know me by many names, such as Lucifer, Fallen Angel of Light, Star of the Celebrity Apprentice, Father of Lies, Ruler of Demons, Cheryl, Serpent of Old, Regent of Hellfire, etc. For the purpose of this report, you may call me Satan.
An Old Photo Of Yours Truly
Now, I have several issues with this ‘holiday season’ as you mortals call it. I mean, not to be overt about it but I’m literally the Antichrist, so the whole ‘spend a month partying in the name of Dad’s favorite’ never had much appeal. Also, I’m still pretty salty about the way my brother’s friends usurped the perfectly lovely pagan winter holidays.
Still, my Beelzebub manifestation made a foolish deal on Christmas Eve with a homeless orphan who was exceptionally adept at inscribing summoning circles in sidewalk chalk but very poor at spelling. Thus I was contractually compelled to do my best to act as her ‘Christmas Santa’.
Common unfortunate mistake for the both of us
Surprisingly, along the way I came to realize that this holiday barely belongs to JC at all anymore. In fact, I discovered quite a few redeeming qualities of Christmas.
1. Greed
The street urchin, Carabia, ordered me to call her Car. She then produced a grimy piece of paper from the depths of the rags she used as ‘clothing’. She pronounced the paper to contain her ‘Christmas List’, and my Dad, what an extensive list.
It was probably twice as long as that
This little piece of human garbage had approximately eight diseases, including scurvy and ringworm, not to mention absolutely zero traces of vaccinations. Yet ‘basic medical attention’ or ‘health insurance’ was nowhere to be found on her beloved list. I tried not to huff too much sulfur as I quickly dispelled all illness from her. Honestly, I hate it when the summoner dies halfway through a wish, it makes things so messy.
Filthy child or not, I had to admire Car’s greed. Shoes, coat, food for a year, a house, a loving family, longer hair, all of her fingers back...the list went on and on.
2. Envy
According to Car, all children made lists like these, but most of them included even more selfish desires. Many, claimed Car, even asked ol’ Jelly Belly for video game systems and iPhones. They then spent all of January and the majority of February arguing about who got the best presents and being jealous of each other. How wonderfully appalling.
Summoning appropriately dapper outfits for the pair of us, I set to getting this whole charade over with as fast as possible. Armed with the Christmas List of Infinite Desire, Car and I hailed a taxi to the nearest department store. On the way, I set about purchasing the bulk of Car’s desires. The house was purchased on my Samsung Galaxy via Craigslist, one of my favorite inventions. The family was also purchased on Craigslist, which left only a few more items to grab.
You'd be surprised
3. Lust
As I am also the inventor of malls and Macy’s, I was fairly familiar with such venues. Car, it seemed, was not, as her eyes expanded as though she were a murderer first witnessing hellfire. I checked my designer shoes to make sure I hadn’t tracked any sulfurous flames with me. No, it seemed that Car was simply dazzled by fluorescent lighting or some such nonsense. I left her to gape as I continued to whittle her list down.
Checking around for a ‘worm cot wit wul’ I stumbled upon one of the most disgusting displays of debauchery ever seen.
You go, Glen Coco
Apparently, it has become human custom to have women (and men, on occasion) dress as Santa Claus and other beloved characters in a very inaccurate fashion. There were red bikini sets with white trim, snowman boxers with a distinct carrot nose, and Christmas sweaters that were definitely not intended for office parties. Honestly, it restored my faith in humanity to see how utterly tasteless mortals can be.
Surprise!
4. Wrath
Upon checking out, Car and I were met with a beautiful sight.
Artist's Rendition of the Event
All of the cashiers were being screamed at by customers as dozens of shoppers behind them grew increasingly impatient. Some old man was upset about his coupon saved from the last millennium being expired. Another woman, who reminded me of my Cheryl form, demanded to see the manager. A third irate shopper was berating the cashier for withholding the location of the reindeer feed. The poor cashier looked barely twice Car’s age, likely still more girl than woman. My magnanimous heart being as tender as it is, I took pity on the employees and incinerated all of the troublesome shoppers. After that, the line cleared almost instantly. A Christmas miracle, indeed.
5. Pride
Outside the store, a group of adults, siblings perhaps, were bickering beside a Toys For Tots box about who had donated more this year.
Ugh.
I incinerated them too, although privately admired their ability to be so haughty about helping people in poverty.
6. Gluttony
Craigslist Family seemed to be quite adept at celebrating Christmas in the traditional manner. They were cooking up a storm of ham, stuffing, and various cheesy dishes when Car and I arrived. I carefully wiped and replaced the memory of both fathers and their current daughter so that they fully accepted Car as their long lost loved one or some such sentimental mortal drivel.
I had pretty much fulfilled my side of the contract, but couldn’t be fully released until midnight. Thus I idly patched up the house, added some furniture, set Car’s left pinky to regrow, and other such nitpicking tasks as the humans dug into their meal.
And wow, did they eat.
I'm gonna have to stop damning people for gluttony, it's not even their fault at this point
It seemed as though Craigslist Daughter was on the verge of being physically ill, and yet she managed to stuff down more figgy pudding by the second. It was a delightfully revolting sight to behold.
7. Sloth
After the newly united family managed to eat their body weight in fruitcake, they settled down onto tasteful feather-filled couches (I take pride in my work, thank you). The parents passed out almost instantly, while the daughter explained that their family tradition was to sleep off the meal, then awaken to eat more. This was rationalized by the fact that Christmas was a day spent solely opening presents and eating stocking candy, a degree of sloth I immensely approved of.
Artist's rendition of Car throughout the whole ordeal
“Satan?” asked Car.
I sighed. Almost free…
“Yes, Carabia?”
She chose that moment to assault my legs in a vice grip. While annoying, I knew that it was important for summoners to assert their dominance.
“Thanks, Satan."
Part of me wanted to remind her that gratitude wasn’t a trait very fitting for demon wranglers, but I had a feeling that she wouldn’t care.
“Merry Christmas, Car.”
***
If any mortals chose to waste away the tiny amount of time left they have on this Earth reading this report, then please feel free to comment below on what Christmas traditions YOU find most sinful. For research purposes, of course.
See you in hell.
