Ohio State is the greatest institution ever established by man. That’s it, and I feel no need to back what I just said with any hard facts or data. “Sure,” you might say, “Ohio State is a decent school. It has some nice programs and has gotten pretty competitive over the years. But it’s no Ivy.” Yes, Yale and Princeton and all those boring schools are alright, too. But have you ever heard anyone say The Harvard University? Exactly. Plus, ivy is filthy. We would never let our buildings go so poorly maintained.
A big problem we Buckeyes face when subjected to conversation with non-Ohio State educated folk is the complete lack of respect they show toward our beloved mascot, Brutus. A quick scouring of Twitter revealed multiple examples of outsider contempt. I threw the key words “ohio state,” “stupid,” and “mascot” into the search bar and hit enter.
One user, who goes by the (possibly self-ascribed) nickname “The System,” says “I hate Ohio State, I hate Urban Meyer, I hate that stupid dancing acorn they call a nut.” Excuse me, Mr. The System, but an acorn? Have you ever been outside before? According to your profile, you’ve tweeted seventy thousand times, so let’s assume not. Brutus is not an acorn, actually. He is a buckeye. And while a nut may not seem like a very intimidating mascot to the underdeveloped mind, I am here to explain to you why it is, in fact, your worst nightmare.1. Buckeyes are poisonous to people. The nuts and the foliage of the Ohio Buckeye tree, Aesculus glabra, will kill you. Death is something a lot of people are scared of. 2. Buckeyes will break your teeth before they kill you. If you’ve ever handled a buckeye necklace, you know that buckeyes are super hard. If you were to eat one, your teeth would probably shatter, and you would die ugly. 3. Buckeyes will choke you after they break your teeth. You’ve bitten into the buckeye and cracked your incisors in two, but the buckeye is still whole. Now it rolls down the back of your throat. According to some parenting website with a hideous yellow color scheme, anything smaller than an inch and a quarter across can constitute a choking hazard. That’s rough. 4. Buckeyes are poisonous to cattle. Even if you don’t pick a buckeye off the ground and try to ingest it, the nut is also poisonous to cattle. The buckeye will kill your cow. 5. Buckeyes will break your cow’s teeth. I just googled “do cows have teeth.” Your cow will die ugly. 6. Buckeyes will choke your cow after they break its teeth. This makes me really sad. Please keep your cattle away from buckeyes. 7. The tree nut allergy. Remember those weird kids who had to go sit in a cluster in the corner and eat cherry popsicles during desert? The tree nut allergy affects an estimated 800,000 children each year. That’s like super sad. There you have it. Fear Brutus Buckeye, fear the Ohio State University, and think twice next time you dare call us “a dancing acorn.”
